Thoughts.

Break ups.

Here it comes. All the memories. All the little feelings i got while holding their hand. Every kiss. Every hug. Every little thing that happened. Even the jokes we laughed at and messed with eachother all flooding back at the same time hitting me like bricks with every little thing that pops up in my head. It tears at my heart, at my soul with every second i think about it. why? why did i **** it up? why did they end it even when i explained? why? this question is what keeps me awake. it’s like a fire. sparkling in the middle of the night. in the darkness. in my soul. it starts and wont stop til i’m either dead or figure out the answer. the only way i can tell if i’m ok is when someone brings up something from when we were together. i personally have three options.

hid it and cry later.

cry right then and there.

run.

how long have i been doing this you ask. two years. two disastrous years. this time it was both of our faults. i only got one chance. and he didn’t ever seem to want to know my side of the story. if i had one regret from this is probably believing all their bullshit. i have classes with them and all i would want is one last hug. that would make me feel so much better about everything because at the moment, it feels like the world is looking down on me and saying " Hey dumbass look what you did" and all i can say back is yeah i know i fucked up. very one just can’t understand. we all try our best to not breakdown because of how bad we feel. but then again they sit back and watch. thanks. everyone makes me feel so much better about this. i already know:

I FUCKED UP

Depression

gut wrenching.

heart aching.

chest squeezing.

head hurting.

no one understands. it feels like your stuck in a box-like room and the doors are closing in on you. you cant escape. yeah meds help but they don’t take the pain away. a lot of the time i wish i were dead. but they stop me. why? I know everyone hates me. they all do. they all think I’m a waste of space. I can just tell by the way you look at me. don’t tell me that I'm "important" to you. we all can see through the shitty mask you put on. I barely want to wake up in the morning because I can tell the whole world is looking down on me like I’m garbage. you cant help me. you cant save me. it's almost gone at this point and can’t be saved. so there’s no point. just leave me for dead already. what are you waiting for? an excuse? just leave already. go.

thanks for reading. feel free to rant in the comments. i’ll be working on these all week and the next one will be out in a week or so.

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