Nothing but a flesh

Like the winter of western country my heart become cold after years of abandonment of those people who I think can save me. I was foolish enough to defend and love them, I was foolish enough to trust them.

Life is just a series of misunderstanding and trouble, and the rest of your life you will going to be test that endlessly. I don't even asked to be born. Who the hell would accept a boy who was abandoned by her mother one month after he was born, who would accept a boy in this society if he don't have a family he call his own.

The church who raised me, throw me away to random old man who thinks of me as a slave. I don't have a home, I feel sad everyday,and I don't even have a friends. For me friends is a thing that I should buy with connections, fame and money. When I become adult I was desperate enough to find the feeling of home of every faces I met but at the end of the day I was being left behind and they blame it for my naiveness.

Cycle, endless of cycle of people offering a relationship with a price. Everything is with a price. Now I got the money and connection, I can buy friends if I want, but what if they just left me after? So I realized to stop finding a home and just wait my death knock on my door because honestly I'm ready to leave anytime.

My life ended a year back and I'm stuck here living a life with no reason. I can easily jump in the building and for sure people just give me a minutes of sympathy and wonder who I am, but a certain force stop me for doing it.

For the first time my heart flutters every morning with no reason, its like giving me a air to breath. I found myself looking forward for mymorning coffee that I don't even mind the brand before. I threw away my beers and can goods because I decide to cooked my own meal. I spent a lot of times in the bookstore finding the prequel of the book I read 2 years ago.

These days I became strange and started living my life opposite of what I expected to be. I found myself appreciating the art in the street and the smell of freshly bake croissant in the near bake shop. Is this what they call life? A simple routine and feelings but its very addicting.

I am wondering for days now. What made me do this stuff? What made me call my boss to take a vacation leave that I never do since I started working for 5 years? Like every morning I wake up with the sound of vehicle from the outside and I don't feel irritated like before.

I turn off my alarm and brush my hair with my fingers and put my glasses. These days I wake up late and my insomnia doesn't visited for a while now. I went to my window and stared the world outside, today is unexpectedly beautiful so I decide to have a small picnic in the near river and bringing the book I bought in the bookstore. I was hoping that one day I can find the answers of what happening to me cause if not what is the purpose of this?

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