Shadows of You

A decade went by already but I still find myself waking up screaming your name. After all the screaming, tears of regret continually fall off my chin. It becomes an endless waterfall. As time passes, the waterfall changes into memories of you.

I wish these memories would turn into reality. I am tired of these constant shadows of you that are nothing more than shadows. I long to touch your hands, to hold you. I wish to hold you so tight that I would eventually become a part of you. At that point, even heaven would not be able to tear us apart again.

Why, why was I so selfish? When you said that you wanted a baby because you were already 27, I laughed at you. You were being serious but I took it as a joke. I laughed it off and said that we would be awful parents. After that, you never mentioned it ever again. In truth, I was scared. I was not ready to be a father, but I couldn't say that. I was afraid that if I told you the truth, you would not give up on the idea. Instead, you would find ways to prove to me that I was ready. Now, all I can do is slap myself for my selfishness. If I wasn't so selfish, our little baby would have been 12 years old already.

Why, why didn't I cherish you enough? Not only did I not give you the baby that you wanted, I also didn't give you the wedding that you wanted. I kept on pushing it back. I thought we still have all the time in the world. I thought that a couple more years wouldn't make a difference because I will always be yours and you will always be mine. With or without a wedding, my love for you will stay the same. Who knew that heaven would be so cruel to tear you apart from me right before our wedding day. It was as if heaven was mocking me for not caring for your wishes; it was as if heaven was saying, "Since you don't want to promise her forever, I will take her." This kind of sick joke hurt the most.

I hate heaven, I hate God, but what I hate most is myself. I hate the me who did not give you enough attention. I hate the me who did not spoil you more. I hate the me who refused to listen to your wishes and I hate the me who couldn't fight against God to keep you. Even though God was my opponent, I should have stood tall and fought for us, but I was hopeless and weak. I just let you go without a fight. I hate that cowardly me.

Do you know, I close my eyes every night, hoping to wake up to you, by my side? For 10 years I have begged God to rewind time so I could make everything right. However, God did not listen to me. Instead of waking up to you by my side, I would always wake up to tears of regret and shadows of you.

I am tired of crying and tired of begging God. Please, tell your shadows to take me already. Life or death, it doesn't matter anymore. All I want is to be with you. I don't want to waste another decade without you. Please, this time I will make everything right.

-Your Husband

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