Chapter 1: Just a starfish

Baltimore, Maryland

Mario Parelli sat in the confession room, his head leaning wearily on the patterned doorway separating him from Father DeLuca. He heard the little wooden door open and the familiar words he'd heard fifty years ago. ¨How can I help you, my child? ¨

He still remembers hearing those words in his youth when he was about to confess about breaking neighborhood windows, cheating on the algebra test, messing Angela Contadino from the back seat of his father's old Pontiac. he. He always had some sins to confess, a new sin every week and every week he left smiling because he was pardoned. Maybe now he is older and has more sins, but he is still protected by God. God forgave his transgressions.

He quickly made the mark and sat up straight. For years he had never missed a weekly confession and he always stood proudly before the judgment of the Lord. Today is no exception. Somewhere deep in his heart he knew that for four years he was lying for ignoring the truth in his confession, but he believed God knew why and forgave him.

“Please forgive me my sins because I have sinned. A week has passed since my last confession. My sins this time are I drank too much beer at Giovanni's bar Saturday night, I scolded my wife when the lasagna was cold, I watched a movie with almost ***** women on television and wanted them. Because of these sins and all the sins I have committed in life, I sincerely apologize. "

He heard the parish priest sigh. “What about your family, Mario Parelli? How are your wife and two sons now? "

"Concetta and Dominic are both fine," replied Mario.

"And how is the boy Gabriel?"

"Everything is fine with my family," the owner of the Parelli family repeated.

Every time Father DeLuca tried to persuade Mario to talk about his second son, he always received those words. The old priest grimaced again. All he knew was that, four years ago, Parelli's youngest son, Gabriel, suddenly left home. Family members said that he went to live with relatives in New Jersey. "Pray to Our Lady ten times and Mario Parelli, think about your family."

Mario closed his eyes, took a deep breath and began to read. “Dear God, I regret insulting You and I hate my sins because I will be punished by you. But most important of all, I hate my sins because they offend you, the omnipotent One whom I love with all my heart. With Your grace I promise I will never sin again and will avoid temptation. Amen. "

Father DeLuca made the sign and whispered. "In the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit I forgive you of sins"

When stepping from the church into the warm sunshine, Mario Parelli fulfilled his duty. He confessed all his sins. He felt secure in his stony belief that homosexuality was sin in God's eyes. He only has one son and that will not change in the future. He walked away, contenting himself that he was always right.

Wrightsville Beach, North Carolina

Gabriel zipped up the travel bag and tied up his jacket. He prepared enough for his cross country trip. The travel bag would have to be in the luggage compartment as the back seat of the large vehicle is already packed with other stuff. This amazing car was a surprise gift that Jordy, Dan, Markie, Griff, Easy and Val gave him yesterday. He laughed as he remembered JD and the way he almost exploded as he refrained from telling a secret in the backyard.

“Gabrel is here! Gabrel is here! " JD shouted as Gabriel stepped onto the steps of the beach house. He was walking on the same path he and Mitch used to take, walking past the cemetery where he found Chris that Christmas. His mind was filled with memories of his early love, his new family and how he would miss their love and encouragement. Traveling half of the country to college would be a challenge. Part of who he wanted to stay and go on to study at the University of North Carolina where he felt safe, but he understood that he would never feel complete unless he could test himself to see if he could be independent. To where.

Recently he thought a lot about his other family, about his mother, his father and most of all about his brother Dominic. The pain was still fresh and his heart was still haunted by sadness, but he had new memories, memories that helped him find out who he was. I'll be forever grateful to Easy for that. In his heart, Easy is a true father than the man who gave birth to him.

His life after being chased away by his father was a nightmare. He used his body, the only thing he had at that time, to support himself. Ever since then he disgusted what he did, and now he hates it even more when his mind realizes that he is not evil or useless. It is those who desire the boys and those who force you into that path that are evil. No, I'm not bad, I just do what I can to survive and maybe someday my heart will accept it.

When he was about to leave the place he loved and the people who loved him, the first thing he did to regain his pride and forget the old was to let his hair grow back. He has had his head shaved for the past four years. His hair was his mother's pride and cutting it off was a kind of protest against her. She didn't do or say anything other than crying, whining, and twisting her arms when his father kicked him away. He didn't want anything to remember her, especially when she stroked his curls when he was a teenager. He shook his head lightly to feel the dark curls sweep across his forehead and cling to his cheeks. Markie said that with that curly hair, with chocolate brown eyes and olive skin, he would make it all fall under his feet when he arrived in Arizona.

JD jumped until Jordan gave in and threw Gabriel the keys.

"We want you to keep that car over there, Gabriel."

"I bought you keychains, did you see that?" JD chuckled. Gabriel held up the keyring in the light. A smiley face on a rainbow background attached to a blue and green clip. The key is a small black box with a silver button that, when pressed, the key pops out.

"Let me, let me, let you!" JD exclaimed. Jordan had deliberately not shown him this little trick with this key. He wanted the key to survive at least when Gabriel used it the first time.

Gabriel was drawn by a crowd of children in a state of great excitement. JD held one of his hands, Nikki pulled the other and Bug wrapped it under his leg. “Come here and see! Come here and see! "

Dan laughed, “We wanted to give you something suitable for the old mountain and road patterns that you would go through. I can't see Jordy searching like crazy on Google. ”

Griffin stuck the credit card in Gabriel's hand, “Buy what you need. We believe you. "

Gabriel stood on the porch and looked at his new car. This is exactly what he dreamed of in every little detail. In giving him this gift, people gave him the soul of joy and laughter in this house, a symbol of happiness that he will remember until he finds his own happiness. The black Jeep Wrangler was waiting for him. It was calling his name out loud and he laughed. All are perfect!

"Dad said I had to wait for you to name it," JD grinned. “I can help you. I know many names. "

"I think I need to get used to it," Gabriel smiled and turned to the people on the porch. "Everybody…." He was speechless. Instead, he approached them and hugged everyone for a while. "I love the whole family."

“We love you too. We will always be your family. ”

Every inch of the car needed to be checked, the seat cushions flipped up, he crawled into the luggage compartment and swung onto the chassis. The radio turned on and it was finally time for a test run. It was a feat as the seats needed to be adjusted for Bug and Nikki. By the time the trip was over, the children were exhausted.

The family sat around the fire on the porch to laugh and ruminate on the old stories about Gabriel until so late that the children needed to be carried to the bed.

"Take me, Gabrel," JD whispered, the boy falling asleep. Gabriel lifted the drowsy boy and led him across the steps to his room. After pulling JD's blanket, Gabriel pulled aside the strands of hair that fell into the boy's sleepy blue eyes.

"Don't forget me and Buggie," JD whispered.

“No, boy. Honey, let's go to sleep." Gabriel sat for a while to watch his long lashes fall and JD's steady breathing. "How can I forget you?" he whispered.

**

Gabriel thanked everyone ten million times and yet the next morning he still could not believe he had this car and these wonderful people in his life.

He went to Easy's office for the last time, words from the bottom of his heart choked and tears welled up. Easy stood up and walked around the table to pick up the boy he regarded as a child. Knowing that Gabriel was speechless, he said, "I have something for you." He looked in his pocket and pulled out a new cell phone. “I have entered the family number here. You are number 1. You can press 1 anytime, regardless of day and night. If you need to, call immediately. I'll take the first flight there. Do you hear? Anything you need… .. anything. ”

Gabriel was speechless. His tears welled up to make him choke. He grasped Easy's shirt tightly and felt strong arms support him.

"Son," Easy whispered, "it's my son."

"Yes," was all Gabriel said.

They stepped out and stood next to the car. "You can still come with me and take the plane back," Easy said.

"I know, but I want to go myself." He did not reveal that he was planning to visit his old home in Baltimore, a trip that would close the old life and open a new one. “Besides, you got into this car? I don't think so. "

"Got it," Easy smiled. "Call me tonight when you arrive, okay?"

“I will call. Take care of everyone while I'm away. "

“Absolutely. I'll be fine. I'm very proud of you. " Easy to stroke the curly hair and grin. “I am not used to this hairstyle for you. Don't make too many broken hearts there. ”

Gabriel laughed. "I'll try, but you know what life is like."

He got into the car, adjusted the rearview one last time, grabbed the steering wheel with both hands, and looked at Easy through the door. "Do you remember the time I walked down Barstow Avenue looking for me four years ago?"

"Yes, and I'm afraid I won't find you, that you will do something foolish and in danger."

“I don't intend to do that. I'm waiting for you to find me. I had lots of hope ………. ”

Easy raised his eyebrows and then smiled. "Be careful, son."

“Yes,” the word ‘sir’ hung in the air. One last tight hug and Gabriel took the driver's seat.

Easy stood and watched the car go all the way and turn …… .. towards Arizona. If Easy knew where Gabriel was going, he would never let the one he treated as a child go there alone.

Baltimore, Maryland

It was a trip along the I95 highway from Richmond to Fredericksburg that passed through Washingto DC and poured into Baltimore. Gabriel tries to erase the memory of the bus four years ago that took him to Wrightsville, North Carolina. He didn't know why he chose to go down there, but now he feels fate has favored him. He tried to live with what was left of his $ 300 savings after buying a bus ticket until he had only a few dollars left. Among children his age, he tried not to do what they did, fought with it with all his might. In the end, however, that was all he had.

As he drove along the familiar streets of where he used to live, he passed elementary school, high school, and finally high school where he happily laughed with the local park. he used to play football. He sighed as he recalled that playing baseball was his dream, that all he thought about and strived for was a scholarship to play baseball. He watched the kids laugh and shove each other on the sidewalk like he used to do near the house where he grew up. Gabriel cut the lawn for this garden from May to October from the oldest time he could remember. The old brick house with the corner starting to break and the ivy climbing up to the chimney was his home. He and Dom played around in that aisle and sometimes, if his father wasn't too tired, he would go out and play with the kids in the magical sunset. These seemingly trivial things, but Gabriel remembered them as printed. The image of a perfect family ……… until it all turned to ash.

You just need to say what you need to say and go. A small voice of panic rang in his ear, ‘Run away! Get back to the car! This won't end well! 'But he thought of Easy, his real family at the beach house, and surprisingly, he thought of JD's face. You must be proud of yourself. Slamming the car door shut, he walked up the steps before that small voice could stop him.

The feeling when ringing the doorbell to call my house is strange. The feeling of standing in front of the house where he grew up waiting for someone to let him in. His hands were shaking so he shoved them into his pocket when he heard his father shouting for his mother to come see who called the door. In his mind, he could see his father sitting in a worn old chair, his shirt over his pants, a can of cold beer in his hand, the remote in his other hand preparing to watch the 6pm news. He knew his mother was in the kitchen stirring something in the pot.

The door opened and Gabriel met his mother again for the first time in four years. She wiped her hands on the apron. When her eyes met his, he couldn't see the joy or happiness in it. Instead, they opened up with surprise and fear. "La Madre di Dio, No." (Mother Mary, no)

"Voglio parlere al Papa," (I want to talk to Dad) Gabriel said through clenched teeth, not letting his old emotions beat him.

“Sara cozy arrabbiato. Per favroe appena di andare via. ” (He will be very angry. Please go.)

"La mamma," he pleaded, "Il suo, Gabriel, suo figlio. Per favore farme entrare, la Mama. " (Mother, here I am, Gabriel, here is my son. Please let me in.)

"Chi you alla porta, Concetta?" (Who's at the door, Concetta?) He heard his father's call.

“Non e niente. Nessuno e, Mario. " (Nothing. Nobody, Mario), she said, glancing back in panic.

These last words came from his mother's lips like a knife cut Gabriel's lap, making him feel like he was being cut in half. Nothing? Nobody? Gabriel pushed her mother's hand out the door and entered. “It's NOT nothing !! Is not nobody!! I am here, father. Gabriel here, FRIENDS. "

Stepping quickly into the living room, he saw his father on his cane to stand up straight from the chair, beer cans spilled onto the floor. He saw the announcer reading the news on the television. He heard his mother say something behind him. He smelled the old smell of a tired house with weary people. He smelled the boiling sauce in the pot and the toast in the oven. This had been my home for sixteen years and all he saw now were old people and all he felt was the hatred radiating from the old man on the other side of the house. room.

“Las ciare questa casa. Lei non e benvenuto qui. Ho soltanto un figlio. ” (Come out of this house. You're not welcome here. I only have one.)

Gabriel turned, feeling the rush of fear and uncertainty. What happened four years ago is repeating. Why do you think this time will be different? He looked at the pictures on the fireplace: pictures of Dominic playing soccer, the graduation ceremony of Dominic, Dominic with a beautiful girl. Gabriel's photo was once there. His father used to be proud of him. My father once loved me …… before he became anything else. You are bad and sick and your parents did the right thing when ……………

As he turned away in unbearable pain, the car key fell from his hand and fell to the floor. As he leaned down, he saw the funny smile on the rainbow ground that JD just gave him yesterday. He felt the weight of the phone Easy gave him in his pocket. I remember Easy words ** You are my son **. He straightened and faced his father.

"I'm going to be far from school and I want to say hello," he said softly. "I want to see if anything has changed and I see not."

“You are finocchio. I am not afraid of benvenuto rules. " (You are not welcome here.)

"Don't do that anymore," Gabriel sighed. "I speak no less English than you do. That word is gay and I know I'm not welcome here. Dad threw a scared child out into the street in the middle of the night, but you know what? I'm not that kid anymore. You want to love Dominic and hate me? All right, you just do it. You want to kick me away and never see my face again? All right, I'll make it easy for you, dad. But father, you are wrong. You are still the Gabriel that my father took to see the ball; Gabriel who helped him paint the summer house when he was nine years old. Do you still remember me? You are the child my father used to carry on my shoulder when I went to the beach. I have never changed. "

"You are making your father angry, Gabriel. You are not alone." Get out of here. "

Gabriel turned to look at her mother. He felt tears welling up in his eyes. “Mom, I can almost understand what you are doing and your attitude, but what about you… ..? Mom is your mother. I created you and brought you into this world. Why don't you love me? "

Concetta Parelli turned to look from her husband to her second son. “You are a sin that I must redeem every day to deserve the grace of God. Every day, I had to go to church and pray to the ****** Mary to heal him. But Our Lady couldn't hear me. " She panicked and pulled out the rosary.

Gabriel felt the phone in his pocket and he wanted to pull it out to dial 1. He never needed a steady hand on his shoulder like he did now. He knew Easy could beat these strangers with just a few words. But this is my battle, one I need to complete to never mention it again and I can live on.

"I only have two requests and I'll go," he said softly. “I want to know you explained to Dominic why I was going and I want Grandma Ginetta's snowball for me. "

“Your brother also hates you. It doesn't want to see you. You make it disgusting and ashamed. You are dead with this house, ”his father shouted.

His mother left the room and Gabriel heard a closet door open. She turned around and held a large snowball on a red wooden base. Inside the sphere are two tiny statues of a boy and an old woman standing next to a white house. On the base is engraved with small inscription: Roma, Italia il 1999 Settembre. His grandmother gave it to him after she left for Rome. She died the following year. He sat by the bed and held her hand when the pain finally subdued her. Her last words to him were "Mio nipote amato, segue sempre il suo cuore." (My dear grandchild, please always listen to my heart). The boy Gabriel loves Grandma Ginetta with all his young heart. She believed in him and loved him. This gift of hers is all that he wants to keep from his old life.

His mother questioned her husband. Mario Parelli nodded and she handed the ball to Gabriel. He gently took it and turned it upside down. Instead of white snow, golden dust fell on the two tiny people and the white house. His grandmother Ginetta had said these golden dust particles like the sunlight that Gabriel brought into her life. Gabriel never needed her grandmother's sunshine as much as she did now.

He was heartbroken because his parents hated him, his heart torn by it, but he choked with the thought that even his brother Dominic hated him. They were very close to each other. What was it that he did so guilty of having to endure all this?

“Goodbye, father, goodbye, mom. Potere la scoperta di Dio esso nel suo cuore per perdonarla. " (May God find tolerance in Your heart to forgive your parents.)

“YOU are the one who needs God's forgiveness,” shouted Mario. "You are a thorn in His eyes." He jumped up, raised his stick, and knocked over the thin glass bridge from Gabriel's hand. "You can't bring anything from this house."

Gabriel looked down at the shattered treasure. “Do you hate me so much? Can you do THIS STORY? ” He bent down and found two tiny statues. Nothing to say. Holding tiny figurines in one hand, car keys in one, Gabriel Parelli walked out of his father's house.

He could not let the key into the lock, he could see nothing because of tears. He wiped his eyes to get a better look, inserted the key into the lock, and turned on the engine. He sat still for a second looking back at the house he knew he would never return, then with a heavy heart about to burst from his chest, he drove down the road where he spent his childhood and moving to a new life. I don't need these people, I don't need anyone. You can handle it yourself.

Dominic Parelli turned into the street in front of his parents' house just in time to see a Jeep coming out. For a second, he thought he saw Gabriel's black curls in the car.

When he entered the house, he found his mother cleaning up something in the living room and his father looking at the television screen. "What happened mom?"

"Nothing, nothing at all."

"I feel something a little strange," Dominic said as he helped her mother up. “I think I saw Gabriel driving on the road. Was it here? ” He saw his parents exchanging a look he couldn't understand and his mother hurried out of the room. "Daddy?"

His father took a deep breath. "No, it will never return here again."

Dominic frowned. "You must think too much about it, so you can see it everywhere, right?"

“My sister will be back if she wants to,” said Mario Parelli. “It's the one who ran away from home. It is the one who makes me sad. It does not care about you. Don't take pity on it. "

"I just wanted to know why he left without greeting me," Dominic muttered. "I miss it so much."

**

Gabriel stopped at Harrisburg. His heart was beating too fast and he couldn't calm down. He knew he couldn't talk to Easy yet, so he bought a hamburger and a can of coca from the roadside restaurant and sat down in the parking lot. He started to eat and tried not to think, but voices echoed in his mind:

"You're not welcome here."

"You are not my son."

"Dominic hates you. You make it disgusting and ashamed "

"You can't get anything out of here."

But in a corner of his head where he keeps what's good, a voice still whispers, "You are my son." He recalled Jordan's words to him just before he left the beach house last night:

“No matter where I go, Gabriel, no matter what I decide to do, I'm part of this crazy patchwork family. I hope you know that. We will always be here if you need it. Dan and I will help you with whatever we can. You are like a child we will never have. Never forget to hold your head up high and live true to yourself. She is very special. Never forget that."

He thought of the scene when he turned to see them standing on the porch one last time, Jorday's strong arm supporting Danny just enough to stand beside him. Gabriel sighed, feeling that he would never have had it. You have nothing special. You don't deserve to be happy like you two. He had never felt his former filthy lifestyle weigh on him like it was then. He slowly pulled out his phone and dialed 1. "Hi, yes, I'm having dinner and will try to drive for a bit more before rest."

Gabriel listened to Easy's low voice about that day at the Center and how the children there missed Gabriel.

“Yes, me too. No, nothing special happened today. Only driving. I don't stop much, unless I'm going to the toilet. I will try to speed up tomorrow. I'm going to Memphis tomorrow night. I'll call you right away. Hello, uncle. "

He turned off the phone and gently rubbed his hand on the screen. If only he could erase what happened today as easily as turning off the phone, but he knew it wouldn't be. You have to live with what has been said. He felt the old guilt and fear trying to tear through his fragile shell of courage. He is almost afraid of his journey tomorrow because all he can do is think, and right now is not the best medicine for him.

**

Mario Parelli sat down in the confession chair and watched the small door open. "How can I help you, my child?"

Mario hesitated, then reassured by the love of God, he said, “Please forgive me for my sins. I took Concetta's money to go to the market to bet. I drank two beers in the pub and swore when my team lost. For these sins and those I have committed in my life, I sincerely apologize. "

When Mario Parelli exited the church, he squinted from the hot sun. He confessed. He is an honest man. All he does is for the benefit of his family and eternal soul. He knew God would understand him.

**

When he arrived in Memphis, Gabriel chose the I40 highway and went straight through Little Rock, Oklahoma City, Amarillo and into Albuquerque. He turned south, entered I25 to Las Cruces and stopped to buy food under I10W to Tucson. He has been gone for three days and is exhausted. His aching body needed movement.

All of your problems would be solved as long as you let the Jeep flip over some cliff. His mind fell free, thinking about all kinds of reasons to not exist in this world anymore. Why would anyone want you when your past is so ugly? He could lie and become another person, but Gabriel never lied. Especially about important things like affection. Lying doesn't do you any good. If he let the Jeep down the cliff, his parents wouldn't care, Dominic wouldn't care, they'd just be glad he wasn't there. But his thoughts always returned to the people who truly loved him: Jordan and Dan with their unwavering beliefs for each other and for him, Markie and Griff, who helped him find his way, and JD, the boy that gives Gabriel hope for the future.

And there's always Easy. If Gabriel disappoints Easy, he will be kicked all the way to China and Easy will come pick him up and show him the right path. That's what Easy will do …… Easy is your fulcrum. He couldn't disappoint his real family

Rest one more time and I'll head straight to Tucson. Gabriel turned on the light, slowly walked to the right and drove along the curb to find a place to vent the huge amount of coca he had consumed. When he got back from the restroom, he saw a truck slow down, the door opened and an arm tossed a bag of rags onto the curb. The car ran away and the bag was left on the side of the road. Gabriel watched the car go out of the parking lot and into the traffic on the highway. The bag trembled slightly.

Gabriel frowned and stepped quickly. He sat down and poked the ragged fabric. It stirred. He tore off the sheath and a pink nose sneezed. A dog! That bastard threw a dog on the curb like a bunch of trash. Gabriel looked at his brown eyes and dirty black fur. The poor animal is weak and thin. "Dio, piccolo cane (puppy), doesn't anyone give you food?"

Gabriel sat down on the curb and stared at the pathetic dog. What to do now? You need to go to Tucson. I don't have time for a dog. It sneezes again. "Let me give you some water, then we'll find something to eat." He picked up the feathers and walked over to the fountain and scooped up the water for the dog to drink.

He drove to Tucson that afternoon, one hand on the steering wheel, the other carelessly patting the ruffled hair on the dog's head with its round belly resting on his lap. It eats quite a lot for such a skinny dog: two hamburgers and almost a bag of chips. He did not have the strength to find the Animal Relief Society that day. I'll take care of that the next day. It's okay to keep that poor animal for a day. But you don't need a dog, no way!

Gazing at the beautiful landscape with distant mountains, cacti trees in the sand, Gabriel sighed. Everything is far from home. This is the beginning of something. That feeling was flowing inside him. Good or bad, you will accept it. You are not a shit. He is not an unknown man. I'm Gabriell Parelli Ginetta Parelli's nephew, and I'll make her proud.

Driving along Campbell Street, he turned and Speedway and then turned left onto Cherry Road. The road is narrow and crowded. He just wanted to look at his new school and find a motel to sleep for two days. The kids laughed and pushed each other, the small street on the campus full of people passing by. Gabriel could see that he would have to walk into school to pick up his belongings, but that was work for another day.

He found the student union office, service room, and bookstore. That big building is probably the library. He stopped at the red light and watched the students pass by. It is strange, he feels very old. He was only in his third year of college but he did not feel like the other students. He brushed off the sense of suspicion that was invading him… .. the sense of suspicion that he would not belong here or anywhere else because he was unworthy.

He looked at the students from behind his sunglasses and wished that with some miracle, he was just a carefree boy entering college, that his parents brought him here to study his first year and they weeping because he started to be independent. All the students seem young and innocent. He wanted to start a new life like the others, not like this with his heart torn to pieces. Gabriel understood that what his parents and brother Dominic had done was taking his pride away, and the return trip three days ago only rekindled the wound.

Take the boy who passed in front of his car as an example. He was as bright and shiny as a newly minted coin with brown hair dyed in a gold streak and a University of Arizona shirt clearly newly purchased. He seemed amazed at everything, but just looking at Gabriel was enough to know that this was a normal boy who grew up lovingly and never doubted himself or his position in this world. Gabriel wanted that feeling back. He grew up in peace with his family until he ruined it. He had regained that peace for a while at the beach house, but now North Carolina was far behind.

That cute kid looked at the Jeep, his eyes widened and they exchanged eyes for a second. Gabriel lifted his glasses for a better look and the boy smiled. Gabriel nodded in return for that bright smile.

That's enough, it's time to find a motel to sleep. The last thing he needed now was to wander the street and stare at some boy. He came here to study and to climb mountains, that's all. He wouldn't be looking for anything longer than a night and those boys would only bring trouble.

He would prove to his parents, he would prove to Dominic that he was not bad, that he was still Gabriel. The problem was that he wasn't sure who Gabriel was anymore.

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