What's In Our Hearts

Sul-Hee

I had woken up with Kimi’s foot in my face. I pushed her foot on Rachel’s side and got up. When I walked to the bathroom, I looked into the mirror and stared for a while.

“Am I pretty?,” my inner voice said.

It seemed the more I stared the less pretty I got. I let out a heavy sigh and I quickly looked away. 

“Silly of course you’re pretty.” That's what I would think to myself but I thought if that was the case why did I feel so alone. 

Kimi busted in on my endless thoughts and I quicked threw some water on my face.

“Morning, girly,” she said.

She gave me a big bright Kimi smile. Now she was pretty. She took out her rollers. Her hair was always in two high ponytails with big curls, wrapped around a big bow tie. 

“Pretty?,” she said. 

“Yeah.”

Rachel came in the bathroom yawning. 

“I’m starving,” she said with a stretch.

She was so thin but could eat a whole fridge. When we met we were only 9; the year when the Great Depression hit and the year my father died. I was walking in the neighborhood on my own because my mom was crying for the third time that day. I remember she would play the same sad song over and over. That’s when I saw Rachel for the first time. I pulled open the door of the small, English diner. I watched as she chugged down two hamburgers and a strawberry milkshake. I was surprised because I’d never seen a little girl eat so much.

“Oh my, you’re gonna eat all that.”

"What? Why does you're voice sound so funny? Are you from the village?"

"No, I came from Korea… with my mom.'' I looked down at my hands. 

“Oh, well yup. If I don't eat now I won't be able to later.” She reached for another french fry.

“Wow, just like those superheroes in the comics,” I said.

I smiled at her and she stared at me in awe. You see Rachel’s mom was strict. She always hated how much Rachel would eat. 

“People are going hungry and look at you stuffing your face like a pig,’’ her mother would say.

Ms. Baker never took her nowhere but Rachel never paid her no mind. Rachel lived in her own world, an honest and straightforward world. That’s why I loved her so much. She was herself no matter what the world thought of her.

Finally putting down her burger she said, “Hey, you wanna be friends.”

She smiled at me and gave me some of her fries.

***

“Can I get a cup of orange juice, three stacks of pancakes, two hash brown, eggs scrambled, and a bowl of grits,” Rachel said. “What are you guys getting?”

Kimi grabbed her menu and said, “Mmh, may I get a cup of water and some french toast, please?”

“That’s all,” Rachel said.

“Orange juice, a blueberry muffin, and scrambled eggs, for me,” I said.

“Coming right up,” said Seth. He went to our school. He was a waiter here at Haku’s Diner. He had black hair and green eyes. 

When he came back with the food Kimi smiled at him and said with a blush, “Thanks, Seth.”

I rolled my eyes and shook my head. 

“See be more like our Kimi here take a chance.”

“You can fool everybody else but you can’t fool me. I know dang well you he’s got you smitten”

My cheeks were a hot red.

“Well...maybe I like him a little but I must say I think you guys more.”

"Good answer."

The door chimed and a group of people walked in. 

“When you clocking out today, Seth,” some boy said,

“There’s gonna be a party, celebrating the return of our famous brother Noah. We’re getting everything set up."

“Don’t know, I have to ask the boss but I’ll meet you guys there."

“Alrighty then I guess I'll see you there, pal.” 

They left and Rachel grabbed my arm. 

“We should go.”

“What? We weren’t even invited, Each.”

Kimi said, “Are you nuts? Don’t you know who they are?”

“The Rags is the toughest gang in Haleiwa. You wanna crash the party of one the most renowned gangs,” she said in a whisper.

“I accept the challenge,” Rachel whispered back.

“I don’t know.” I said.

“What? You’d rather go back home?”

I thought about my mom. She’d probably be in the same spot I saw her laying in when I left.

“Fine, but ask Seth first. I’m not getting kicked out with a busted lip for nobody.”

“They wouldn’t.” Kimi held a hand to her mouth.

 “How can you be so sure?”

“Well then, let’s have are best flirt take a go at it.”

“Aw, guys, he’s gonna think I’m crazy.”

We laughed.

“And he doesn’t already,”

She stuck her tongue out at us and got up. She sat on one of the counter stools next to the register and said, “How’s it going, Seth.” She started twisting her chair.

He looked up at her and gave her a sweet smile. He leaned on the counter with his arms crossed and put one hand on his head and said, “What can I do for you, Kimi?”

Kimi spun the chair around, she was freaking out and her face was red. I couldn’t stop laughing. Boy that guy Seth sure had moves. 

She turned back around and said, “Well words going around that y'all Rags are throwing quite the party tonight.”

“Mmh, doesn’t ring any bells.” He said with a shrug

She started to give her signature shimmy and batted her eyes.

“Oh come on Seth let us go. We’ll behave. I swear we won’t get in no trouble.”

He laughed and said, “Alright, alright, I can’t have you losing a shoulder. Meet me on 22nd Avenue at six-thirty and make sure you have the doc check out that shoulder.”

She hit him teasingly and walked back to her seat.

“Yall saw that right. Seth and I had an actual conversation.”

I had noticed Kimi was wearing a locket I had never seen before. 

“Where’d you get that,” I said.

“Oh it’s mama’s,” she said, “I found it in the attic.”

Kimi smiled and Rachel and I were quiet. Kimi’s mom was one of those wild flappers. She was a beautiful blonde dame. She had left her when Kimi was only ten years old. An age old enough to know she was being abandoned. When we were young we would hear her parents arguing so much, calling her a shotgun baby. Her parents were wed out of wedlock. It seemed her dad truly loved Kimi’s mom but Kimi’s mom was too wild. She was always partying and staying out late while he took care of Kimi. Everytime Kimi’s mom would cry about wanting to travel and be happy, Kimi would try to cheer her up. That is until she left with some musician.

“I was thinking if I wore it, mama will be able to recognize me better. Don’t you think so?”

“Maybe...,” said Rachel.

“When she comes back we’ll go shopping, to the movies, and go to one of those parties she would always talk about.”

I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t want to upset her but I also knew that the chances of her mother coming back were very unlikely. 

“I should check in with my mother before the party,” I said.

“We’ll meet up after,” Rachel said.

“You should prepare yourself, Kimi, because I’m sure Rachel has every intention of raiding your closet.”

“That’s not completely true. You can keep the bows.”

“Hey, what’s wrong with my bows,” she said pouting.

***

Kimi and Rachel went back to her house. While I was standing on my porch hesitating to open the door. I could already hear "Billy" an American quartet in the 1910's playing through the speakers. I opened the door and went inside. The music got louder. That was the song Father used to sing to her while they would dance every night. I remember he had me dance with him. We laughed because I kept stepping on his toes. He lifted me up and gave me a kiss on the cheek and I laughed. He had put me on his feet and guided me through the dance. I loved papa, too. I sat down next to the door and cried. This is why I don’t come home. The sound of my cries were silent over the radio. When I finally pulled myself together, I walked to my mother’s room and opened the door.

“I’m home!”

She was silent.

“I was at Kimi’s house with Kimi and Rachel.”

Not that you cared.

Silence.

“Did you eat?”

I gave up. I walked to the kitchen to prepare some food for her. I wondered if I cut my hand or burned myself if she would make some attempt to care. When I finished cooking I walked back to her room.

“I’m staying over at Kimi’s again.”

I hesitated. “I made you some food. It should be enough to last you awhile.” 

She moved. She got off the bed and walked right past me without even looking me in the eyes. She went to the bathroom and slammed the door right behind her. I flinched. 

I went to my room and laid down on my bed all spread out. I layed there until the sun began to set. I thought of the moon. I don’t know why but the moon and it’s rays brought me comfort on lonely days. I sighed and laid on my side. 

Like the moon, at times I felt as though I was watching the world pass by, in isolation. We were both lonely. I just never truly felt apart of something. I knew that Kimi and Rachel were with me but I guess you can’t truly create a bond with someone without exposing yourself completely. But I can't let my guard down

That was where my trouble started I didn’t know how to open up my heart. I cry on my own because I am ashamed. Tears made me feel weak and reminded me of my mother. I can't be like mother.

***

I was walking up to Kimi’s house when the door swung open.

“Sul-Hee, where’ve you been?And why are your eyes so red?”

“I fell asleep.” 

“Well let’s hurry and get you cleaned up”

I smiled and let them drag me inside.

Kimi was painting my face with blush while Rachel was snacking on a slice of pie.

“Boy, your dad sure does spoil you,” Rachel said in between bites.

“You think so,” she said with a big smile. 

“I can get you another if you would like. Papa wouldn’t mind.” Kimi’s father owned the baker around the corner.

“Really.” 

“What are you thinking about, Soul? You’ve been so quiet.”

“Nothing.”

“I know. She must be wondering whether or not she’ll see Buddy tonight.” She grabbed a big stuffed teddy bear and gave it a great big kiss.

“Stuff your pie hole.” 

She grabbed the spoon and took a big bite of pie and literally began stuffing her face.

There was a knock at the door.

“Come in,” said Kimi.

“Hello ladies,” her dad said.

“Hello Mr. Davis.” 

Kimi’s dad was a frail but handsome man probably because he works so hard to spoil Kimi he barely has enough time to sleep. Kimi’s papa was a airplane pilot so he was always gone and whenever he’d come back he would always come bearing gifts. I guess he was overcompensating . He was quiet but you could tell he loved Kimi from bits to pieces. He was holding something behind his back and wearing a big smile on his face. He had gotten back from his last trip two days ago but it had seemed he was still suffering from jetlag. 

“Guess what I found all the way in Chicago, Illinois?” He pulled out a pink box wrapped in white ribbon. “It’s your favorite chocolates.”

“Mom likes those chocolates too you know,” she said undoing one of my curls.

He had begun to fiddle with his glasses and clear his throat. “Oh, um yes, she liked many things,” he said and he left the room.

“Now why’d you go and do that,” said Rachel.

“He never wants to talk about her.”

I sat there quietly unsure of what to say so I fidgeted with my curls. Rachel put a hand on her hip and said, “That heartless wo-” I gave her a look and she stopped in her tracks. I thought at least one of us should be happy especially during these times. Kimi continued undoing my curls, humming to herself. The Depression didn’t hit us quite as hard. We were considered the lucky ones. We went to school while other kids took on the responsibility as head of the household. Many kids' education had been put on hold while they were subjected to laborious jobs with an undeserving pay. We had to cherish every moment.

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