I wish I would have told you

I wish I would’ve told you… I wish I would’ve held you tighter and kissed you goodnight… I wish I told you how much you mean to me… every time you were around you lit up the room and everytime you smiled others smiled with you… I knew at times you were falling apart inside but I chose not to say anything. I assumed you would be fine and I could make you happy without telling you I knew you were hurting… I miss you. You have been gone for days and I still haven’t went a second without wanting to hold you and tell you everything will be ok… you never met me in person but you always “hugged” me and told me “I love you” or you would see my photos and call me a cutie or call me beautiful. You never had it easy but you always made it easy for me even when I was a brat. The fire within you burns brighter than everyone else. You are the brightest star in the night sky…

I got into my bed thinking of the adventures I’d face. The struggles id fight inside… I closed my eyes drifting to dream land… I looked up at you and smiled as you kissed my forehead asking what I wanted to do. You knew the answer and didn’t even have to ask in the first place. I poked your side laughing and told you to guess. You picked me up taking me outside. I saw the full moon and stars light up the night sky. You set me down and fire flies flew around us as I watched in amazing running around in the grass. I saw a shooting star and thought to myself on how I wished this would last forever… the sat on the grass feeling the wind toss my hair around as you sat beside me… Every light in the sky reminded me that no matter how far apart we were that we’d always be together. I’ll always love you no matter how long we don’t talk… My always and forever… so trust me and stay by my side… I promise to keep you forever happy and safe in my arms…

Just then I woke up realizing it was all a dream… even if it never becomes reality I will forever be at your side just as I promised. I’m forever yours as you are mine. I’ll be your light in the darkness that this cruel world brings. I’ll be you hope when your in despair. I will be here for you at your worst and your best even if it was all a dream in the end. I unlocked my phone to see if you texted me. Nothing. Disappointment spreaded through me as I waited for your return hours on end. I could wait forever but I missed you and needed you with me. My anxiety keeps growing the longer your gone as if I’m gonna lose you any minute… Just then I hear a ding. I looked on insta to see a simple “hi” just that one word from you made me excited beyond words… Immediately I send a hugging gif telling you how much I missed you and telling you about everything that happened while you were gone… I didn’t think to ask how your day was even if I was curious. I didn’t wanna be nosy so I just talked to you about everything I could getting all worked up about every little thing as you laughed at my excitement. I sent photos of outfits I wanted and stuffed animals letting you judge them and pick what you think I should wear when we meet. You told me how you wanted to spoil me but I always declined because receiving gifts or buying myself stuff made me feel selfish… deep down I want you to spoil me with attention and get me stuffed animals then later cooking with me but I didn’t tell you. I wish I would’ve. But I didn’t. And i probably never will. I don’t want to use your money… You worked so hard on it and after you told me you had to go I went offline to face a harsh reality feeling anxious like usual. I walked out of my room to do chores then went back to my bed curling up in a ball under my blankets…

Sometimes I get overwhelmed easily. I get jealous, anxious, sad, or even mad over simple things. If a girl is to close to you I feel like she’ll take you away if she is better than me. I get upset over slight changes in how you talk. Or even anxious or mad about having to socialize with others at school. I feel like everyone will judge me and make fun of me so I cut my hair off so no one can recognize me. I wanna change my voice and looks and even name but you don’t want that. So I hold back… you like me for who I am… your the only one that does and that ever will. When I look at the moon it makes me feel less alone, there is only one of me and only one moon around earth… the sun shines brighter than the moon… the sun is hot and helps people while the moon doesn’t always get credit or noticed… it hides behind the clouds and nobody notices. Just like me. When I’m gone for a while nobody would spare a second thought but if the sun was gone everyone would notice… I love the moon, its beautiful. Just like you. My dreams and wishes are about you anymore… I want you to be happy and I wanna meet you. I understand you could throw me away any given second but you never did. Which is why I trust you so much…I’m nerdy and weird yet you always have accepted that. I’m clingy, stubborn, and annoying but you allowed me to be. You never complained… we’ve been through so much together yet you stuck around even when I was crying my eyes out begging for someone to hug me and tell me I would be ok… I wish you would have told me…

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