a little different feeling

so today me and Xavier we're alone in bus our other friends were out hanging out with other and ofc Xavier can't keep his mouth shut and start talking he said " ugh this teacher is more dangerous than hitler " I laughed and said " well same goes to me " , he frown and lean Toward and said " what? why is your voice so low? " . oh god my heart can't take that i just chuckle but i know that for rest of my life I will speak hella low, I don't like to express my shy or blushing kind of feeling so whenever this kind of things happen I just giggle or make a disgusting face so that other person won't get a hint cuz I am very insecure like if Xavier confess so what why will he?there are so many girls more beautiful, cute, smart and more better than me just because of this feeling I keep my feelings and heart close but nowadays I am becoming more and more comfortable with Xavier and when I see him I don't feel like I am going to expose or shy

why........?

are my feelings are erasing ...... I keep thinking am I not attractive to Xavier anymore or am I? .

I look at my phone and googled " why am I not attractive to someone I like? "I keep scrolling but then I see a kind of answer , that say " if you are more talking to other boys regular then maybe your brain think that talking and having a friendly touch with opposite sex is common and ok, so that person you think is special cuz he is the only opposite gender person you know ". I put down my phone and think for a minute, I think since the school started I keep being touch with more and more boys, I thought that my feelings were not real they were just a attraction like I had for my childhood crush " lucas " he was very like Xavier but more handsome , but he was just not right for me with this kind of thought I drift to sleep. next day when bus arrived I keep my cool and were determined to confirm my feelings for Xavier. I greet Jenny and angel and when I was going to greet Xavier and jack Xavier suddenly asked "do Lisa is in your class". I frown and replies " a-ah uea why? " . Xavier said " oh nothing " then jack smirks and said " he had crush on Lisa " . I can't think straight I feel hopeless sad and angry but as before I hide my feelings my personal feelings and gave Xavier a smirk face and tease him a little. when I got home I still act like I'm fine but at night I got on rooftop and looked at the beautiful moon I didn't notice that tears are falling from my eyes, then I finally cried and cried.......

WHY does it has to be Lisa

WHY does everyone love only Lisa like my old crush.

WHY I can't be her..

WHY am I like myself

WHY..... why..

with these kind of thought I go back to my bedroom and with tears I drift into sleep.

day after that Xavier just kept talking bout Lisa everyday Lisa Lisa and Lisa but my heart hurts evey time I hear her name . "I think I still like Xavier " I say to myself. it been a tough week but Why am I not sad now after hearing Lisa name

am I supposed to be happy?

then why I feel Iike it's not ok to be Arttactive to him

why it felt like I am betraying him like lucas did .

in no time school was over I was finding my bus then suddenly someone pull me back It was Xavier he chuckle " cute.. " I thought then he lead me to bus, while we were in bus talking I noticed he always lean towards me , I felt that if I kept Xavier in my mind then I can like him again? but no matter how much I see at him I can't feel that feeling that I had . after that I started seeing Xavier just as friend and got comfortable with him and no awareness was there

not anymore...

one day him and I were fighting why? ofc ccuz he was taking my bag oh god why Can't he understand my bag has things I can't show him, but then he slip....

be was all top of me , that why ok with him but Xavier was looking like......

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