Chapter 1

Long, long - not very long ago, I started college. With zero self-esteem and zero social skills, I was out there to explore the world, the world that's considered harsh competitive, and cruel. In a world where everything is about showoffs and standards. Where you are judged on your standard of living, the brand of clothes you wear, and the model of your phone, how do you fit in when you have not even seen the world?

FOMO if you might know, is the fear of missing out. My concern wasn't missing out though but I could never relate to anything people ever talked about. Do I sound like a geek? I am not. No straight 'A's. No teacher's pet. Neither been an introvert as well. But after coming here, it has been difficult to talk to people.

So my only way to fit in was people pleasing. I wasn't a Top-A student but I could still prepare notes for others. Make their graphs and records so that they could let me be a part of their cool group.

Over time I have now realized that people pleasing was a psychological effect on me. I needed validation from people, their acceptance meant a lot for my existence and I could get that only by being extremely nice to them.

I know helping others is not something bad, but at the expense of one's mental health is not what is right. Help at your own will not so that people would like you. And in my case, I always felt worthless and these little thankyous from people made me feel good about myself. You are worthy even if people do not like you. Burning yourself to keep anyone else warm is not healthy.

"If you care about what others think about you then you will always be their prisoner " - Lao Tzu.

I made a few friends. There was this guy called Azhar, I really liked the way he was stupid still he was my favorite pass time. We mostly spent time trying to make him pass his examinations. The only person who could tolerate him was Harris, I considered him smart only because I didn't understand most of the things he told but I still pretended to understand and be interested in it.

Harris introduced me to the world of Sitcoms and recent movies. He made sure I could be a part of the discussions about FRIENDS, the Big Bang theory, and many more. It was really difficult for me to complete them, but he kept me motivated.

We also had Javeria, she's the kind who was born to be a mother. She could literally adopt people. She cooked and I used to have breakfast at her home every morning, even though I ate at my own home.

There was this guy called Yasir, who did talk to me with the purpose of notes, then helps with exams. He was friends with Azhar and Harris.  I sympathized with him a lot. Being the eldest son of a family of 6 people he did show that he had too many responsibilities and he could hardly make time for studies.

During one of our internals, Azhar was very confident with all the experiments. After entering the lab we were assigned our experiments we all got busy finishing the exams. I saw Azhar writing with all his focus. 20 mins into the exam he was all blank. My professor asked me to coordinate with him as he has seen me helping him during his usual classes.

I asked him what happened to which he replied "I know the theory and I have written it all".

"Great! Now do as it says in theory" I replied.

"I don't know what all this means", he replied.

For a minute I didn't know what to say. Then I explained the special situation to my professor, he was happy that he could progress to theory at least and asked me to assist him.

He was such an entertainment that during labs he didn't know the instruments. I had to make him draw them and name them and then when we used to go back home I had to explain to him everything in Hindi then with the references of the drawings he used to remember what is happening in his book.

He was such a funny person that I was entertained for an entire day. I liked being at college all the time.

My life was peaceful at college I could say. My routine was picking up Javeria from home, heading to college, spending time with these people, and then back home.

I did not want anything more I could say.

If only things could stay this way for ever.

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