For my swan

Dear sugar plum,

The first thing I will say is thank you. I never said this enough but you are my inspiration, my source of love, the place where even silence is loud and my crumble soul becomes one.

Thank you for existing and living in a world of pain by being a star who brightens days. Thank you are illuminating paths by making me laugh and forget my pain.

I would also like to apologize. To say sorry for failing on being worth of your fragile being. Sorry for being helpless. Sorry for being the burden you had to carry through this year.

You who never gave up on me, you who always showed up for me, and there is I who was never there go give a helping hand, the who you could not trust enough to share your thoughts and problems.

I wish that after my departure you're going to be happier. I wish that after my departure you're going to be healthier.

Most of the time I've been selfish. Always complaining and never understanding. It is my fault I must admit. However, you must agree that consequences brought me to what I am today. Will I find me one day? I don't know.

By that time, maybe I'll not be inhaling. Maybe I'll be as cold as winter. Maybe I'll be burnt to ashes. Time will tell.

For the time being, even if blood is dripping, all I can do is cry. I will wait till the tears dry.

Take care till then and find peace in yourself.

A little poem to keep you company:

In the dark alley

Right before midway

In the loudest crowd

In the biggest cloud

My voice won't be heard

As a whisper it will be dispersed

And as a matter of fact

I'll not try harder for what I lack

Like a droplet of water falls on a leaf

I will fall back in grief

And silence is the only answer I'll give

Silence is  the only way out , I believe

For those who tried to break it

Awaits a day when they will regret it

And for those who are abiding

Will live with it till their ending

For me who abides and breaks

In between I figure

Will I be awarded

Or will I be corrected?

And another one :

Some can say I lost my way

Some can say I am different today

I am trying to remember

I am trying to repair my blunder

I am lost it's true

I am not the same as you

I am just the one accident

I am just another incident

I happened to some unfortunate

I happened to my mate

Without a clue

Without what's true

I wander around searching who would accept this ugly soul

I wander around searching for a grave for this heart so cold

You said you'd never be the one who'd be clenching my darkened heart

You said that you'd be the one clearing my way in the dark

Guess I should have been less naive

Guess I should have been more comprehensive

I lost my way in the Maize of life

Without any map or directives I will wonder whether to continue living in this dark hive

^^^until our paths cross again,^^^

^^^your pumpkin^^^

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