How and Why It All Started?

In this day and age sometimes relationship is the only thing that can give us comfort. Amidst the chaos around us and sometimes in us, we desire to have someone who will be there to accompany us and share with us everything. Be it joy, sadness, pain, loss and suffering.

But what if the one whom you expected to be there for you will just one day be gone? What will you do then?

Sometimes there are people who are physically present but mentally absent, how would you react or respond when this happens?

It was what happened to me.

I was 21 years old then, in the peak of my youth. Feeding my passion and enjoying my life to the fullest.

I was working as a bank teller in the morning and I partied at clubs during the night.

I was young and wild. I was irresponsible.

I had a boyfriend. A simple minded guy but I didn't care. I was so full of lust and passion, during that time, all I care about is to party and get laid.

My boyfriend that time was always busy, he was into drugs and was selling it as well, he won't text me nor call me throughout the day but I didn't care as long as when I need him to please me in bed, he will come.

Our relationship that is full of passion lasted for over a year until one day I found out I was pregnant. I was scared upon hearing from the doctor the result of my check up.

How could this be? Why me? Why did you allow this to happen to me, God when there are people who are willing but can't even have a child? How will I survive this? I am not yet ready. These questions flooded my head. I wanted to cry but there were no tears. I felt numb. Shock is really an understatement to describe what I feel that time. I was also furious.

I went home absent mindedly. I really didn't know what to do. It's too late to regret. I feel like I was going crazy.

With all the those thoughts bugging me, I decided to get rid of the child. I thought of killing the baby inside my womb.

I wasn't ready to be a mother. I still want to enjoy my youth. How can I let it go so suddenly when I am in the peak of it?

I decided to buy a medicine and overdose myself to get rid of the thing inside my belly. Without telling my then boyfriend about the situation yet, I decided to take matters into my hand and clean up the mess I created.

But, I can't. I wasn't able to. I slumped on the floor crying my heart out. I am not a killer. I don't want to kill the inoccent child just because I made a mistake and I didn't want it. With all these realization, I cried until there's no tears left for me to shed. Until I fell asleep hiding under my bed.

In the morning when I woke up, I decided to call my boyfriend and talked to him. Informed him about the situation but as I was expecting he also told me to get rid of the child. That he wasn't ready and he won't be able to be with me for long.

I wasn't surprised when he said those things. How can a relationship founded and built in lust become a reliable one?

Then I decided to leave. I resigned from work, packed my bag and left my house. I flew to a different city. Looking forward to a new life.

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