Let Me Go

The song was renew, different instruments were included to make the beats stand out to fit the personality of each member in TN. I decided to become the ghost writer on the song because after it was changed completely from my acoustic version to EDM, I know that it doesn’t fit me or my image but it did help me regain my love from making music.

Five days in the studio with J, I was unconditionally happy. We have a routine. We would go for coffee in the morning before coming in and have another coffee when the team ordered again. At lunch we would order in so we could practice the song just the two of us and the love for messing around got us in so much crazy stuff when we are alone together. The most crazy thing we tried was singing upside down while balancing a base using on feet – turn out he sounded amazing. We would stay in the recording studio after dinner to recap on the song after the day is finished. Then we would continue whatever discussion we had in a back-to-back text after we both get home. Usually it starts when he checked up on me to see if I am home safely.

Before I knew it, I was texting him and spending more time with him than I do with my boyfriend. Begin with him was the new normal. Begin with him was all that I wanted to do from waking up to going to sleep. He was the person I greet in the morning and the last I wish goodnight. We weren’t physical but we were something. I wasn’t cheating but I was emotionally cheating. I knew this to be a fact after one of our conversation.

In the van heading back to the studio after dinner, it was just J and I riding at the back. My phone rang it was the theme song to American Horror Story – the coven, I looked at the caller ID. It was Eric. I didn’t want to answer. I was tired, we both were. J was sitting next to me eyes shut. I offered him my shoulder to rest on.

“Who is that? Why are you answering?” he asked eyes still closed.

“It’s my boyfriend. I will call him back when I get home” I wasn’t going to at best I was going to text him. I don’t feel like answer any of Eric’s question today.

“That’s rude. What if he has something important to tell you?” maybe true or maybe he was just calling to see how I am. I was sick of the routine.

“No he is just calling to ask me about my day. He always does. I don’t feel like talking.”

“He loves you, he wants to hear your voice. Don’t be too hard on the man.” I was being hard on Eric, for no reason or maybe for one reason. I was unsure. I was insecure. I was disgusted at myself because I am realizing my feelings for J.

“What if I don’t feel like I want to be with him?” unintentionally it came out but like a weight has been lifted from my chest.

“hmm” eyes still closed, either he was really tired or he doesn’t want to see me. I could feel him breathing my face was inches away from him.

“If I have feelings for someone else but I don’t act on it. And I just ask him for a break like a pause on this relationship. Would that be so wrong.” At this point, I was ranting or mumbling. I was sure what I would get from saying all this. Today is our last recording session, J is leaving tomorrow for Japan. TN is schedule to perform their concert there.

“Umm, in my country, we would call this emotionally cheating. It is still cheating. Don’t do it. Be clear of what you want. Don’t hurt Eric he is a nice guy afterall”

Just like that, I froze. There was nothing more to say. I was like someone who only like me as a friend. I didn’t know you can like someone so much – so fast.

Eric and I were together for 6 years now and I never have this strong feelings toward him. I don’t deny the feelings I had for Eric but there was never a strong urge to be with him. We were confortable and it was easy to be with him but I always felt like I had to do more to make it fun. J was just fun, I didn’t have to try to be funny. He was funny I was always happy with him.

I met Eric at a Gala Dinner. He was one of the most successful business in Europe. His invention made millions in only 3 years after he left university. I was just raising into the scene when I knocked over three glasses of wine and when tumbling before falling on top of him. We made fun of the situation, I fell on him and he fell in love with me a year after.

We dated after the incident, started off innocently as a sorry but then we found out that we had so many things in common. Our hobby, personality, passion and ideas – crazy enough we even had the same horoscope sign, scorpion.

It was easy to fall for someone to powerful and good looking. He was nice really nice. His family was old money rich, a British descent. He has great body, lean and always well-groom. Blonde hair and blue eyes, 6 ft 1 – I swear he looks like Mr. Bingley from Pride and Prejudice.

My pride won’t allow me to destroy this perfect relationship. We were the power couple. Million boyfriend, beautiful house by the beach in Hampton and a booming career, I had it all. All the fights we ever had was always my fault or it would feel like my fault. He would say much or argue much so at the end I would feel tremendous amount of guilt just for starting a fight. I don’t remember what they were but I know not all of them were my doing.

Drift, we were definitely drifting. But I couldn’t find a reason to leave him. He was way too good to me, too good for me to just hurt him in this way. I couldn’t text J goodbye or reply him afterward because I had admit what I felt was real. I had admit it to myself and that was eating me up. If I were to reply or continue having any form of relationship I would be cheating on Eric.

The thought of it was killing me. It was killing the relationship. I wish Eric would just cheat on me instead. That would have been perfect. It would have been easy.  I would have been understanding, afterall most long distance relationship does not work.

“Hey honey, I am going to the US next week. We should go to the Hampton. I already called people there.” Eric said with glee in this voice.

I wanted to scream leave me. “Yeah babe, I will tell my team to cancel my schedule”

“Oh I thought you were on break. What happened? Why are you booked?” We haven’t talked in so long. I was making more music these days so I booked the studio until the end of the month.

“No I am working on new music.”

“Are you sure you can make it? It’s great that you are working. I can join you in the studio. We can reschedule Hampton” He knows when my creative fuel is going. I don’t ever want to stop. He knows me so well. He understood me. But why can’t I love him anymore.

I changed. He hasn’t. and once again, I am wrong. I have wronged us.

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Inspired by Let Me Go - Hailee Steinfeld & Alesso (feat. Florida Georgia Line * Watt)

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