Sorry

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Somtos

In many words and languages, Sorry – it was the only word that could’ve said over and over again with the full

meaning of the word being unregistered.

The breakup combed over me like an unwashed comforter. Dirty, smelly, unwanted but comforting to the point of

painful to let go despite being disgusting. It sinked in yes! Because I called it off. But part of me was using it as an excuse to not socialize in many ways it wasn’t because I was sad about it. No, not to the extend of cutting myself off from the world.

The breakup was my security blanket from the ugly truth that follows. If I were in the state of answering millions of question from the world, one of them would be from J and it could go one of two ways. Either he learn that he is the reason from the breakup and confess his love for me to which I have to reaction for or he could say he doesn’t like me in that way and ask for space to which I don’t have a reaction for.

So for now, I will stay in to feel sorry for the lover I hurt and for myself because I am in this predicament

because I couldn’t see how much I was loved. I left him at read and his called unanswered. I could not understand why or how someone could love someone as cruel as me. But he did and he is hurt for it. He doesn’t deserve to be

ghosted. He only reached out to see if I was doing fine – worried for my well-being when I was the selfish person who took his love for granted. I basically used his love for me to justify my behavior to justify my love for myself. I couldn’t love myself the way I was being love by him. Now I am scared I will never be loved again.

I read some of the texts from people.

My family would say “How could you be so stupid? Was he abusive – What happened? Is there something that you are not telling us? You lost someone good – you can never find someone who love you like he did. And you are going to get hurt, cheated on and betrayed then you will know what you lost today” “you will never be happy, someone will hurt you and you will regret this man”

My friends would be sympathetic “we support you in the decision you make. I am sure you have your reason just know that we are behind you. You will find love again.”

My rep would be worried “Are you okay? Do you want to cancel your schedule for the week and we can book you for the following week”

J never texted.

“When will you get out of bed? I hate you for the shit you pull but I do not want to go to your funeral.” My sister burst into the room in a flower dress and boots which doesn’t match plus it was in the middle of winter.

“Good morning to you too sis” I greet her as I got up to wash my face

“It is 4pm in the afternoon – you idiot.” She threw me a dress, correction she threw me a pink flowery dress no sleeve and continued, “Let’s go for a drink”

An hour later, we were sitting in a underrated hipster bar two-blocked from my apartment where the band only play from 5pm to 8pm and they would continue the night by reading news in poetic manner which I find amusing most of the time.

“Okay, so tell me what’s wrong? Why all of the sudden end a relationship? How are you holding up?” she didn’t just get to the point only when we arrived and ordered – no she was asking all the way here.

“In short, I don’t like him like that anymore. I needed this time to learn what my priorities are. I don’t think that is a crime?”

“Who is he? The one you like.”

“He is not in my life anymore.”

“So you gave up a future with someone who you could start a family with for someone who is not even in your life

anymore, it was one sided?”

The question was striking.

“Yes, that is the case. I guess that is karma. Honestly, I didn’t mean for any of this the heartbreak and the pain. I just wish he would find someone better than me. And I, I wish to love myself more

than self-sabotaging. Because this is what it feels like.”

My sister looked at me longingly. “You will be fine. You have me. Perhaps you are stupid but you are my stupid sister. I don't understand you but I don't have to. I was born to love and take care of you so that is what I will do.”

It was assuring but I know I have her. I just don’t have myself to love to trust anymore. I couldn’t love myself for what I did or how I feel. I don’t know who could or if I ever love myself. But what I am sure about after ranting in my head fighting with myself – is the decision that I made was the only outcome that was best for everyone in the long run. My lacked of self-love should not be the justification for a toxic relationship. He needed this. I needed this. No more, I will not outsource it to anyone. I will not find happiness in other people. I will learn to be happy on my own term. I am determined to do so.

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Inspired by Sorry - Halsey

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