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Big City Greens

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Swimming Fool

(The Greens enter a room wearing swimsuits.)

Cricket: Wow...

Bill: Wowza!

Tilly: Oh, it's beautiful.

Bill: An indoor pool! Now I've seen everything.

Cricket: (goes up to the pool) This is the biggest swimmin' hole I've ever seen! I can't wait to swim into the...

(He notices the diving board at the end of the room which goes all the way up to the ceiling.)

Cricket: Whoa...

(He stares at it in a trance.)

Orange boy: Wahoo! (jumps in)

(The splash causes an enormous wave to soak Cricket; some of it gets all over his eyes, turning them red and veiny and start to tear up.)

Cricket: I don't know if I'm overcome with wonder or if it's the chemicals in the water, but that's the most incredible thing I've ever seen -- AGH!! It's the chemicals! (rubs eyes) Tilly, we have to jump off that high dive pronto!

(Tilly arrives wearing makeshift scuba gear.)

Tilly: No can do, brother. There's treasure in this water, and I aim to find it.

Bill: All right, you kids all set?

Cricket, Tilly: Yup./Yuh-huh.

Bill: Good, 'cause I will be taking this opportunity to relax in the "hot tub". Never tried one before, but I hear it's very soothing. Maybe I'll do some deep breathin', y'know?

(He inhales, only to suck in an aroma of something and cough; the kids cough as well as the aroma floods and clears to reveal Gramma with a rather improbable hairstyle and using hairspray.)

Gramma: Cut the chatter and listen up! I just got my hair did, and it looks gorgeous. But if one drop of water gets on there and ruins it, (holds her hairspray at them; they shriek) I'll have all your hinies!

Bill: Don't worry, Ma. We'll splash in the other direction.

Gramma: HA! (holds hairspray out)

Bill: I mean, we won't splash at all.

Gramma: Now if you'll excuse me, I'll be soakin' my pigs.

Cricket: I don't get it, Gramma. What's the point of soakin' your toes if you got a wooden leg? (knocks her prosthetic leg)

Gramma: 'Cause I do what I want! (pokes him with her cane)

Cricket: Ah! Ah!

Gramma: Now go have fun.

Cricket: Yaaaaaay!

Tilly: Okay.

Near the high dive

Cricket: Move aside! Move aside! Makin' my way to the high dive!

(Shows a group of kids.)

Orange boy: Yeah, my dad said I couldn't, but then I totally did it anyway. I didn't even care.

Other kids: Whoa!/Wow!

Cricket: (runs up) High dive! High dive! I'm gonna jump off the high dive!

Orange boy: What?! You're gonna jump off the high dive?! Who do you think you are?!

Cricket: (softly, viciously) I'm your worst nightmare. (chuckles; normal) Nah, I'm just kiddin'. I'm Cricket Green. AND I'M A FEARLESS BOY!

Orange boy: Uh...no kid is brave enough to jump off the high dive.

(The pink girl, Kiki, speaks up.)

Kiki: Do you have a death wish or something? Aren't you scared?!

Cricket: Scared? Pfft! I don't even know the meaning of that word.

Orange boy: Then I guess you've never heard the story of Pink Belly Pat.

(This freaks the youngest kid, Benny.)

Benny: No, Carwos!! Don't tell him!

Cricket: No, Carlos. Tell me! Who's Pink Belly Pat?

Orange boy (Carlos): Ah, he's the last kid to jump off the high dive.

Cricket: What happened to him?

Carlos: Some say when he crashed into the water, (shakes Cricket) HE SMASHED INTO A MILLION, BILLION PIECES!

Kiki: I heard he did a gut-buster and busted his guts all over!

Benny: (omniously) I was there. It was a bwood bath.

Carlos: Well, one thing's for sure: wherever he is now, he's all...MESSED UP! So what do you say to that?

Cricket: I say...I'll...wave to ya on the way down! (leaves)

Far edge of the pool

(Tilly sits at the pool edge and prepares her scuba gear.)

Tilly (VO): My journey to discover sunken treasure begins. Will I find it?

(She splashes underwater; before her are the various swimmers.)

Tilly (VO): I do not know. To a land-dweller, the mysterious creatures of the deep can look downright alien.

(She swims down and gets a ring that has fallen on the pool floor.)

Tilly (VO): In my search, I thought mysterious objects, but still, no treasure.

(Shows two kids above the water just above her.)

Purple boy: Okay, Mr. Thief! You think you can just steal my dive ring?!

Tangerine boy: I didn't take it!

(They have a slap fight; one drop flies over to Gramma but she catches it and waves it away.)

Gramma: HEY!

Boys: (Stop fighting) Huh?

Gramma: You see this hair?! It's gorgeous. And it needs to stay gorgeous! So keep your water in the POOL!

(She splashes the water with her pool noodle; they seem to like it.)

Tangerine boy: (laughs) She's tryin' to play!

Gramma: I'M! TRYIN' TO! DROWN YA!

Hot tub

(Bill sticks his toe in the sizzling hot tub.)

Bill: Ah! Ah! Ooh! Ooh! Ugh! (slowly gets in) Oh...oh...hey, this is pretty nice. (sinking until he's headfirst) No worries, no problems, no kids...ain't nuthin' bad can get me here.

(He doesn't notice he's sitting right in front of the water jet; it somehow rips his swimming shorts off and sucks them in, leaving him ***** in the tub.)

Bill: (gulps; gasps) Oh, my goodness! My...my shorts!!

(Several kids surround him.)

Bill: (weakly) Oh, no.

High dive

(Cricket reaches the dive and begins his ascent.)

Kiki: (gasps) Check it out! That kid's gonna jump off the high dive!

Maroon boy: Huh? (gets hit with a ball) Oof!

(Kids surround him.)

Cricket: You're not gonna wanna miss this one, folks! Cricket Green will be makin' the dive of the century!

Kids: Cricket! Cricket! Cricket!

Cricket: Say "Hey-y! Ho-o!"

Kids: Hey-y! Ho-o!

(He reaches the top with eyes closed confidently and walks to the edge of the board.)

Cricket: Hey, who wants to see me do a flip on the way down? Holler if you wanna see me do a fliiiiiiiiii -- (opens eyes and looks down; suddenly freaking out) Ohhhhhhhhh...

(It is indeed a long way down; he just stands there staring.)

Kids: Cricket! Cricket! Cricket! Cricket!

Hot tub

Bill: Cricket? CRICKET! Ah, it's no use. That boy's havin' the time of his life. Okay, locker room's over there. Maybe I can just make a mad dash for it. (prepares himself) On the count of three --

Male voice: Excuse me?

Bill: AGH! (splashes in)

(Shows a family of four before him.)

Husband: Sorry to bother you, but, uh, we were hoping to join you in the hot tub.

Bill: Uh...I don't think that's such a good idea!

Husband: Everybody in!

Bill: No! NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

Underwater

Tilly (VO): I've searched every inch of the seafloor, but still, no treasure. (sees the water jet) Hold on, what's this now?

(The jet spits out Bill's shorts, which releases the car keys from the pocket which sink to the bottom.)

Tilly (VO): The treasure! (swims after it)

Gramma's rest space

(Gramma is relaxing. Suddenly...)

Orange boy: Hello!

Gramma: Huh? (sees hundreds of toddlers) What? WHOSE KIDS ARE THESE!?

Blue boy: You look like the oatmeal man.

Gramma: They wish they'd see you look this good!

Red girl: Is your hair real?

Gramma: HANDS OFF MY HAIR!! (throws her away) YAH!

Red girl: Wheeeeeeee! (splashes outside the rope) Again, again!

(The others advance toward her, pleading to go next.)

Gramma: What the? (fends them off) STAY BACK YOU LITTLE RATS! WHAT'S IT TAKE TO SCARE A BUNCH OF KIDS AROUND HERE!? (something hits her) Huh? Oh...well, hello, idea.

High dive

Cricket: (clinging to the board) Okay, uh...now, everybody say "Hoo-ha, hee-ha, hoo!"

Kids: (boredly) Hoo-ha, hee-ha...

Carlos: QUIT STALLIN'! UNLESS YOU'RE HAVIN' SECOND THOUGHTS!

Cricket: (sighs) Uh...okay?

(He gulps and stands up, sweat pouring down his face.)

Cricket: Here goes nothin'...

(He lets himself fall off the board, burning like a meteor as he falls down. he splashes into the water, and suddenly all his body parts detach and float away from each other.)

Cricket: No. No! NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

(Shows he's still staring from the board fine and it was all just a daydream.)

Cricket: I...I CAN'T DO IT!

(He hurries back down the ladder.)

Carlos (OS): Well, well, well.

(The kids are staring at him.)

Cricket: Huh? Oh, uh...yeah. Wind conditions up there are...terrible. It's just not...good jumpin' weather.

Carlos: Save it. I knew you'd chicken out. C'mon, guys. Nothing to see her except the big old coward. (leaves)

Benny: What a coward.

(They leave after him.)

Cricket: No, I -- (sighs)

(He looks at his reflection in the water.)

Cricket: You are a coward! You said you were fearless, but it turns out you're just a dang fearmore! (as his reflection) "Fearmore" ain't even a word. (normal; sighs) You're right...

Underwater

(Tilly is swimming to the keys.)

Tilly (VO): I must dive deeper than I ever have before. The elusive treasure is in...my...grasp!

(She tries to reach for them but is pulled back up to the surface.)

Tilly (VO): (gasps) No! Betrayed by the buoyancy of my own air tank!

(She splashes through the water at the top, lying on her backside.)

Tilly (VO): I curse you, foul sea. (removes tank nozzle; talking) But I do not give up.

Hot tub

Husband: Uh...hey friend, is there a problem?

Bill: Heh, sorry! Not tryin' to be rude, it's just -- you see, I'm -- I'm -- I'm very sick! And you don't wanna get in this water, it's bad water.

Husband: Look, it's okay! I'm trying to teach my children the value of patience!

Daughter: I can't wait to learn patience!

Husband: So, we'll just wait until you're done! No need to explain.

Bill: Phew.

(The family walks behind him.)

Husband: In fact, we'll be right over here on this bench, right in front of the ol' locker room! (laughs as they sit down) Take your time!

Bill: I never knew a hot tub could be so cold. (sees Cricket sulking past and gasps) Cricket! Cricket! Over here, boy! (Cricket stops) Oh, thank goodness! You gotta help me, I turned on the jets, and all of a sudden my shorts were -- (notices him sad; inhales) Uh...somethin' the matter, son?

Cricket: I chickened out on the high dive in front of everyone. I can't believe it! I was scared! I thought I was a "fearless boy"!

Bill: Son, feelin' afraid isn't really a bad thing.

Cricket: Yes it is! Of course it is! I can't have fear holdin' me back!

Bill: Now -- now hold on, son. Iiiiit's more like...it's like that banner.

(He points over at a group of animal motivational posters, particularly the sea lion with the phrase "COURAGE".)

Bill: See that sea lion? He's actually terrified of beach balls. And yet, he's facing one head-on. Courage isn't not having fear, it's bein' afraid of something, and going through with it anyway.

(Cricket stares at the high dive for a moment, confidence being restored.)

Cricket: Hmm...

Bill: Y'know, sometimes fear is good. Keeps you from doin' foolish things, like gettin' your pants ripped off. Which is why I need you toooooo -- (sees Cricket left) He's gone.

Far edge

(Cricket runs past the lifeguard tower.)

Lifeguard: Huh? A leg! There's a human leg in the water everyone, out!!

Kids: Huh?

(Gramma's prosthetic leg floats in the pool, scaring everyone out.)

Gramma: Heh-heh-heh-heh. That's right! No more splashin' today!

Near high dive

(Cricket hurries to the high dive, but is stopped by the lifeguard.)

Lifeguard: Sorry, kid. Leg in the water means pool is closed.

Cricket: What? No! Please! I gotta do this, it's my last chance!

Lifeguard: Oh, yeah? Well, law school was my last chance. Things don't always work out. (sees he left) How did he -- hey! Hey!

(Cricket is climbing the bleachers onto the wall.)

Lifeguard: Hey, get back here!

Cricket: (to the sea lion poster) Thank you, sea lion. (kisses it)

(He jumps up to the ceiling beams and works his way across.)

Cricket: I did it!

(He looks down to see he's over the whole pool; everyone stops running, sees him, and gasps. Cricket whimpers and sweats.)

Kiki: He's higher than the high dive!

Carlos: He won't do it, he's too scared!

Cricket: You're right, I am scared! I'm gosh dang terrified! But like the mighty sea lion, I am also...courageous!

(He lets go of the beam and falls.)

Cricket: AHH! AHH! AHH!

Benny: He did it!

Carlos: He let go?!?

Cricket: AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

Hot tub

(The family is watching Cricket fall.)

Bill: Everyone's distracted. Now's my chance! (takes off hat) Forgive me, pal. Eh...

(He uses his hat to censor his bottom as he sneaks into the men's locker room. The family sees the unoccupied hot tub and cheer before jumping in.)

Husband: Family time!

Pool, various

Cricket: AHH! I'M STILL FALLING!!!

(He splashes into the water at last, creating a giant wave.)

Gramma: Hmm? AHHHHH!!!

(The wave washes over Gramma, ruining her hair.)

Gramma: MY HAIRRRRRR!!!

(Cricket sinks underwater and bumps into the still struggling Tilly, causing her to sink down enough to grab the keys. She comes out with them in hand and coughs.)

Tilly: I DID IT!

(Cricket also comes up, gasping for air.)

Cricket: Huh? I did it! (gets picked up by the swimmers)

Swimmers: (chanting) CRICKET! CRICKET! CRICKET! CRICKET!

Cricket: (laughs) Yeah! (laughs more; is taken away) Whoa!

Outside locker rooms

Bill: (in a towel, nervously) Uh...okay everybody, fun day at the pool! Time to go! Oh no, my keys! I left my keys in my shorts!

Tilly: (comes over with them) Behold: the glittering bounty of the deep!

Bill: Tilly, you're a lifesaver! (takes them)

(Everyone leaves.)

Bill: Now let's go home and burn my hat.

Kids: (chanting) Cricket! Cricket! Cricket! Cricket! Cricket! Cricket! Cricket!