Fathers abuse

My father earns a lot of money as a seaman, however he doesn't send us enough. He only gives us a little amount of money. Sometimes he would even complain and say that he sends us more than what we need. We rarely see each other because of his work, but when he does come home he spends his time in his farm. If he won't go to the farm then... he'll be with my cousins and other relatives. I felt jealous when he spent time with them... since father doesn't spend much time with me and mother.

One time I asked my father... if he loved my mother, I was still little the conversation was a bit long so I only remember the important parts of it.

"Father do you love mother?"

"I use to...."

"How about now?"

"Not anymore...."

"Why?"

"She changed... she keeps on relying on me to make money. She is too nosy. That woman cannot do anything on her own. She doesn't use her head and your mother thinks she was always right."

I already expected an answer like that. I wasn't shocked at all... so I just stayed silent. He looked mad. I wanted to ask him why he spent more time with other relatives than us, but I was scared that I might make him lose his temper. To be honest father had a point, because mom seemed to act like a gold digger she would frequently demand gifts and money. I'd try to understand him, and do my best to act nice around him to avoid getting myself and other people hurt.

It would be rare if father took me to the mall with my cousins. He acted like the best uncle. I saw him give hundred dollar bills to them, he didn't even give us single dollar. His eyes were always glued to my cousins, and I was just standing there in the background... out of place.... like I was invisible. Father often bought them all kinds of gifts even expensive ones, he would only buy me things if one of my cousins would notice me just staring. I was jealous... very jealous. 'Father... would you stop acting. I hate seeing you like this with other people, Can you even see me?' I spoke to myself...

My fathers attitude got worse as time passed by... If my grades would drop even by one point he'd yell at me nonstop. If I got even a small amount of dust in his car he would hit my head. He would sometimes tell me to go with him to work in the farm even though I was still young, I had to decline because I had an upcoming exam, I was hoping that he would understand... instead he got mad.

"You useless child! Come with me whether you like it or not! Work in the farm! You do not deserve to be in this house! I'll kick you out! Go live in the barn!" he yelled and hit my head. I wanted to speak out but I couldn't.... So I just stood there and cried. "Don't cry in front of me! Go and work in the farm and plant some rice! that's where you belong!" he shouted at my ear. Then he slammed the table which almost caused it to break "I won't feed you anymore! I won't let you attend school! Go and work on the farm!" father punched me and left. My head was spinning... I felt a bit dizzy. 'Father I thought you wanted me to have the highest grades in school... please understand that I have a quiz. And I couldn't work in the farm because I have such a frail body, not to mention I am only in 3rd grade.' I thought in my mind as I went inside my room and cried.

Father saw me as a lazy child and someone who seemed to slack off... but to be honest besides the cooking I was always the one who did all the house chores. It was even harder for me since I also had to work in the farm and carry sacks of rice and sweep the barn. He said it was for discipline I aged and the work only became harder for me, father kept on saying it was for the best and that he loved me. I assumed that these are what fathers are supposed to do, but as soon as I reached age ten I realized that this wasn't normal.

"What family was I born into...?" I asked myself before I slept.

My so called father would take me somewhere to work using his car. He would drive in a crazy speed and we would always get in accidents and I still remembered the feeling if my head hitting the car windows.

Then one mother found his phone unattended, she opened it and saw fathers pictures with other woman. He also sent messages containing words that were sugar coated to other women, words that he would never say to us. It was kinda obvious... he was dating someone else from a different country. When father came back to the house he and mother had a huge fight. I even got involved and got injured... "I wanna run away..." I whispered to myself as I was walking away from them covering the huge cut in my arm.

He was so irritable... he alwys yelled. He would yell at me even though I did nothing wrong, of he did that my eyes would tear up. However now that I have grown up... it no longer affects me.

The words he said....

"Idiot! Moron!"

"Asshole!"

"Bitch..."

"You stupid freak!"

"Shut up and die!"

"Waste of money!"

"Lazy sloth..."

"You're not my child...."

The physical pain he made me feel... all his kicks

,slaps, punches, hitting me with a stick, hitting my head on the wall....

I was used to all of it... it was a part of my daily routine evertime he arrived.

"You're not my father... you're just a person who fucked with my mom and accidentally created me." I would say that as I wrote the word DIE in my notebook over and over again while thinking of my father.

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