Chapter 3: The Pain Of It

Well, that was what happened with them... Then I had to bear the pain of a heartbreak — and not only lose a boyfriend, but a lifelong friend too. It took me a long time to actually start being myself again. I fell into a pretty bad depression, and I went through different stages of it.

In the first three months after my breakup… I cried my soul out. I was blaming myself. I kept telling myself it was my fault that this happened — that I wasn’t good enough, that I didn’t provide enough, and that’s why everything fell apart. But the truth was... I gave my all in that relationship and friendship. I tried my best to be the best version of myself. I tried my best to make them work, to make us happy. But it seems like it still wasn’t enough...

Or maybe, just maybe, both of them didn’t have the capacity to appreciate or acknowledge someone who was genuinely trying their best. Maybe they didn’t even notice how much effort I was putting in every day — how hard I tried to make things feel right for everyone.

Then came the fourth and fifth months. That’s when I went numb. I had no tears left. Even if I wanted to cry, I physically couldn’t. The thing was… I was still in pain. Deep inside, I was hurting. But somehow, I wasn’t experiencing the same kind of pain I had at first. It was different — weird and very hard to put into words. I simply... detached. From everything and everyone. I didn’t care anymore. At all.

I stopped taking care of myself during this whole time. I didn’t go outside. I didn’t eat properly. Because of that, I lost quite a bit of weight. I stopped working on myself, stopped focusing on my dreams. I just layed in bed most of my days... I seemed soulless at that time. And honestly, it was a pretty scary state of my life. Those five months were incredibly tough.

But eventually, I started going to therapy.

Some people around me — told me they noticed I wasn’t doing well, and they suggested I try therapy. At first, I didn’t believe it would help. I’ve never been the kind of person who thought therapy could fix something like this... But I gave it a try anyway. And slowly, things started getting better.

I started feeling again. I started smiling. I began taking care of myself. I started enjoying my life and myself again — little by little, day by day. The only problem I still had was that I’d sometimes feel like breaking down again. I’d have moments where the depression would try to sneak back in. But thankfully, those moments didn’t last very long.

During this entire healing process, I never dated anyone. I never even slept with anyone. I tried to — I wanted to feel something again — but whenever I met someone, it always felt like I just… couldn’t do it. It’s hard to explain. It was this strange feeling that would always hold me back from restarting my life, from being happy again.

I hardly trusted anyone during that time, and I felt like I couldn’t open up. Even when I tried — I tried with both a man and a woman. But I never let anyone get past the talking stage. I couldn’t bring myself to let anyone in again. My walls were too high, and honestly, I didn’t know if I could ever break them down.