Confidence No One Sees

It is really hard to suppress your feelings, especially when you are frustrated and feel like you cannot do anything about your situation. I was asked by our barangay officials to join a pageant that will be happening this coming April 20. At first, I appeared shy and hesitant, but deep inside I felt excited. I still accepted the offer because it has always been one of my dreams to join a competition like this. It has been years since I last joined a pageant, and I have always imagined myself standing confidently on stage, wearing a beautiful gown, and showing my true self. When I am alone in my room, I let that side of me come out. I try on the heels that were given to me and practice walking in front of the mirror as if I am already on stage. I imagine the lights, the audience, and the feeling of confidence that I have always wanted to show. I guess no one really knows this side of me because in front of others, I appear quiet and shy. But the truth is, I am not really shy. I just feel like I have been discouraged many times by the people around me, especially my mom. I do not know why, but I often hear negative comments from her, and those words slowly affect my confidence and how I see myself. I just want to enjoy life and explore the things that make me happy. I want to grow, try new experiences, and learn more about myself. Sometimes, I think about the things I could have done, the opportunities I could have taken, and the skills I could have learned if I had just been supported or allowed to explore more. I feel a sense of regret thinking about those moments because I know they could have helped me become more confident and made my life bigger, fuller, and more meaningful. I do not want to keep missing out on chances that could help me grow into the person I want to be.

But instead, I am often told that I am just someone who spends too much money and that these kinds of things are not important. It hurts because I feel like I do not have anyone to lean on when I am at my lowest. There are times when I sit alone in a dark corner of my room, crying quietly because I feel so overwhelmed. Sometimes I even blame myself and wonder if I am the reason why they say those things, even though I am trying my best. I do not really know what I did wrong. I feel like I am doing everything I can to meet their expectations and become someone they can be proud of, but it still feels like it is never enough. What makes it even more painful is that the person who makes me feel this way is my own mother, someone who is supposed to support and understand me.

Earlier, we had a meeting about the pageant, discussing the requirements and the things that we need to prepare. One of the important things mentioned was makeup. I already had a feeling that they would not want to spend money on it, but I still gathered the courage to explain that if I am going to join the pageant, I would really need a makeup artist. I was not asking for anything extravagant, just someone who can help me look presentable and confident during the event. However, she said that I am always asking for money and that I should just do my own makeup instead. The truth is, if I knew how to do it properly, I would not hesitate to do it myself. But I know that I am not skilled enough, especially since there are different segments in the pageant that require proper styling and preparation. Now I feel stuck and unsure of what to do. I really want to pursue this, and I do not want to let this opportunity pass, because I know this is one of those chances that could help me grow and finally express who I really am. Despite everything, I am still holding on to my faith. I keep praying and telling myself that somehow, in some way, God will provide and make a path for me. If its for you it'll will no matter what obstacles come in your way Arie...you got this<:<

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