Chapter 4

One Year Later

The alarm still rang at five.

But this time, I didn’t hesitate. I didn’t think. I moved.

My feet touched the cold floor. I walked to the calendar and crossed today’s date — the one circled months ago in black ink.

Big Day.

No dramatic thoughts. No motivational speech in my head. Just action.

I sat down for one final revision. No overthinking. No spiraling. Just pure, mechanical focus — reading, solving, revising, writing. Page after page. Formula after formula. My pen moved steadily, almost detached from emotion.

I came out of my flow when the 7 a.m. alarm rang. It was time to get ready. Today was the “LVE” examination day.

It’s great to plan and train, but it’s useless and keeps you in dreamland until you actually do the work and test yourself. And today was that testing day. All the things I have done in the last one year. All the sacrifices. All those nights I kept doubting myself. All those times I didn’t go home. Everything would be tested today.

If I say I am not anxious, I would be lying to myself. I am. But it didn’t control me. I have been training for this moment for the last one year. With an anxious mind and ineffective tries to keep myself steady, I got ready and reached the examination center. At exactly 9 a.m., I was standing in front of Zen University.

According to LVE rules, examination halls are randomly selected and can be anywhere — sometimes out of the city or even in another city. Luckily, this one was only an hour from my apartment.

I was waiting, trying to understand what was going on and where I had to go. I went and asked a guard at the main gate. He said to wait there until 9:30; a few proctors would come, check documents, and then take us to the examination hall. After that, I asked him if all these students were here for the exam itself. With a kind, warm smile, he said no — they were just university students who studied there.

I nodded and went back to my F-150,

Sat inside.

And that’s when it started.

That strange, irrational feeling that something was wrong. That something bad was about to happen. My chest tightened. My breathing grew shallow.

I closed my eyes. Counted my breaths. Forced air in. Forced air out.

When I opened them, it was 9:28.

So I stepped out. I left my phone inside the F-150, took my pens, admit card, and ID card, and crossed the road.

That’s when I saw two familiar faces.

My ex-girlfriend and my ex-best friend. They were walking toward the gate — hand in hand.

For a second, the world muted.

No sound. No movement. Just that image burned into my vision.

They hadn’t seen me.

I took deep breath. My body was acting on its own. Almost absent-minded, I walked toward the gate where a few professors were standing. I showed them my ID and admit card. They told me to stay there and wait a few minutes before heading inside.

With a nod, I kept my head down as much as possible, just to avoid being seen. Soon, around fifty people had gathered. We were instructed to follow the professor, and I did exactly that. We were seated in the hall.

Soon, the exam sheets were distributed, and with a sharp tick of the clock, the professor said, “All the best. Now begin.”

And I don’t know what happened to me, but with that sharp tick, something else got triggered inside me. All those buried thoughts — from that incident until now — came crawling back into my mind, making me more anxious than ever. No matter how many deep breaths I took or how many times I closed my eyes, it was of no use.

Soon, I was breathless.

While trying to take in air, I excused myself and stepped out of the hall. Without enough air, all my senses started going numb, and my legs began to wobble. I prayed to God — not now, please not now. Please don’t let my legs go numb now.

Half walking, half dragging myself, I moved toward the washroom. I could see the sign somewhat, but to make matters worse, my head started spinning and my vision slowly began to darken. Still, I kept dragging myself forward. Somehow, I managed to open the door without fainting in the hallway.

I entered the washroom and held onto the basin to steady myself. I forced myself to stand and tried to look into my eyes in the mirror.

As I looked into my reflection, my eyes were red, and tears were already rolling down my face. I wasn’t even aware of when they had started. For a moment, I just stood there, staring at myself, confused, trying to understand why this was happening. Then a thought came — clear and sharp — and suddenly everything made sense.

The reason was simple — I was alone.

Alone in every aspect of my life. No friends. I don’t meet my parents. I’m an only child. Everyone thinks I am weird, so they stay away from me. I act normal. I talk when needed. I train. I study. But no one really stays.

I had a girlfriend and a best friend. But it turned out they were each other’s people — not mine. And now, seeing them together, happy…

Even at this very moment, if something were to happen to me, I don’t think anyone would truly care.

That realization felt heavier than anything I had carried before. And with that thought, I finally burst into tears — not controlled, not silent, but the kind that shakes your chest. I don’t know how long I have wanted to cry like this. Maybe for months. Maybe for years. I just never understood why there was always this weight inside me.

But I think today… today I finally understand the “WHY.”

As I burst into tears and cried out loud, still in that weakness, something inside me slowly began to cool down. The darkness that had been sitting in my chest for so long started to fade, little by little. Maybe it was never there to destroy me. Maybe it was only there to make me cry… to force me to understand why I had been holding all this in for so long.

I don’t know how long I stayed like that — seconds, minutes — time felt meaningless.

Then suddenly, a warm hand touched me, and before I could react, I was pulled into a hug. The suddenness startled me. I lost the balance I had been barely holding onto, and we both fell to the floor. In a desperate attempt to steady myself, I tried, but it was useless — we collapsed together.

My eyes were still red and filled with tears, my vision blurry, so I couldn’t see her face clearly. But as we fell, I realized she was a girl.

In a soft whisper near my ear, she said, “Cry.”

That single word broke whatever control I had left. I cried even harder — louder, deeper and uglier— like something inside me had finally been given permission. I held her tightly, almost desperately, as if she might disappear if I loosened my grip. But she said nothing else. She just ran her fingers gently through my hair, steady and calm, letting me fall apart.

I cried until there were no tears left. Until my chest stopped shaking. Until my breathing finally slowed.

Then she whispered again, softer this time, “Shhh… everything is fine now.”

I nodded weakly.

She slowly got up and helped me stand. My vision was still blurry from all the crying, and I instinctively tried to rub my eyes, but she gently held my hand and lowered it.

“Close your eyes,” she said quietly. “Count from ten to one… then wash your face.”

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