Her:

Wonder how a depressed person's personal diary would look like?

A peep into her diary⚠️

6/12/2018

I Wanna get out of here so bad!!!

I knew I wasn't anything close to special but, you made me feel like I was. Or maybe I am, but not in the way I hope it was.

7/12/18

Something went terribly wrong in me...I don't know what. I might kill myself...not the best idea. Don't leave me alone...I might end myself.

Can you hire someone to kill yourself?

I wonder...What can I do besides killing myself? I almost can't hold on anymore.

If I dare to die...I can damn well dare to live.

9/12/18

I'm so tensed...I can't do anything :(

I'm so scared...can't even fall asleep.

Hang on there.

You'll get there.

10/12/18

You were every reason, every hope and every dream I've ever had.

11/12/18

Funny to say...I don't even have one person I need to say my last goodbyes...everyone has someone else more important than me. Only my parents would treat me as priority. I loved this world because they're in it. Now I don't see the meaning of existence anymore. I think I should end myself.

Lately, I don't even have the energy to wake up or do anything at all. Life doesn't seem exciting anymore. I'm still young...these thoughts scare me but I can't help it. I see myself cutting...jumping down, running into a busy road. My intrusive thoughts have become my demons...

I don't go out anymore. My parents scold me saying I stay in the room the whole day...but I don't even have the energy to eat. Am I depressed or just given up on life fully?

12/12/18

My parents raised such a lively optimistic little girl. I can't find her in me anymore. Someone tell me where have the little girl with the shiny eyes, full of hope for life gone?

I should have been a happy little girl now. I don't want to live anymore. Lord can you... I think my time can be shortened. Lord, please.

17/12/18

There's nothing worth holding on to after all. Once I leave that'll be the end. It has come to the point of no return.

18/12/18

Live for yourself, lest you lose your dreams. If I don't love myself how do you expect me to love others?

19/12/18

There's so much to live for...I just haven't found which exactly.

I came across a quote... 'There's a Crack in everything that's how light gets in'. I hope it is the same for me. May I see the silver lining one day.

20/12/18

Went out for the first time in 2 weeks. I don't want to do so again. I met my friends...they all seem to be doing well, except me.

22/12/18

Celebrations are approaching. I need to get out soon.

23/12/18

When negative thoughts get to you. Try chanting positive thoughts or telling yourself positive things even when you don't believe it: I am pretty. I am healthy. I am happy. I am smart. I am living a happy life. I am perfect physically & mentally. I am good enough. I am doing better each day. I am enough. I am the Best. I can survive this. Let's do this.

24/12/18

Trying to live!!!

25/12/18

First time in my life I didn't have the energy to socialize. I went to church, and went back home before the festivities began.

My parents were frantically searching for me. I had several missed calls. I told them I didn't feel well, so I went ahead, which is true physically. I'm alive, but mentally I'm on the verge of breaking down. Furthermore, I get so tensed and unable to breathe when I have close socialization. Which is strange, coming from a social person like me.

26/12/18

I was trying to find the enthusiasm in me to go out. Nope, I couldn't. I didn't go to church today. I felt so physically drained. Told mom I had a stomach pain, which is a lie. I don't know what's wrong with me. But something in me has gone terribly wrong.

I told myself, I need to find reasons to live.

10 reasons to live.

...

Having the bed all to myself.

This is ridiculous. I can't find a single reason except one funny thing. I hope I'll be able to fill up all ten reasons one day.

27/12/18

Last night my parents came into my room for a serious talk.

They noticed, that I haven't been normal this month, I don't go out anymore, don't eat proper food, stay cooped in my room for several hours. They asked me if I needed help, whether I'm facing something bad. I broke into sobs and told them, nothing's wrong with me. Except that I'm not feeling the best and not wanting to do anything. I told them not to worry about me. Give me some time and I'll be okay. But, as they know me better, I was told we'd go to the psychiatrist tomorrow. My dad booked the appointment despite my protests.

28/12/18

I came up with several excuses to not go. Only gave in when I saw my mom tearing up. Emotional blackmail, but I know she wants the best for me.

Came back from the Psychiatrist appointment with my parents. Told me I needed to see a therapist & recommended one. She told me I need a change of environment and do things I've been wanting to do. Make a list called 'Life lists' and fulfill it one at a time. Then check in every week for a reward. I wonder what the reward would be.

29/12/18

'Life Lists'

Get a PhD

Bungee jumping

Skydiving

Ocean exploration

Climb the Himalayas.

Get a bike.

Play in the snow.

30/12/18

My therapist knows I love books. She'll give me new hardcover books for each list I finish in my 'Life lists'. My list she said, can go till fifty or more, which means fifty books or more for free. You don't know what that means to me. I would give up everything for this.

Got a University for Phd. I just need to finish the procedures & then start. I have started packing my stuffs. I have so many clothes that are ill-fitting. I can only carry so much to travel.

31/12/18

Got a new laptop and a tablet now that I'm seriously starting to study again.

As much as I love books & the smell of old books, I cannot gamble on books. I need to read it first to consider buying a physical copy.

1/01/2019

It's a new year. I'm leaving the day after. I've packed so little. Almost as if I'm going on a hiking not at all like I'm going far.

My mom feels bad about me leaving. I heard her sobbing the other night. But If I stay, she might me lose me, that's my biggest fear. Some days I get so depressed... I'm afraid I might attempt the unthinkable.

2/01/19

Should I say a final goodbye to my friends & relatives?

But, no one would notice even when I'm gone, so there's no point.

I've just reached a new low. It's getting to my head. I should get out before it gets too bad...to a point, where I'm irredeemable.

3/01/19

Woke up at 3:00am. My flight is at 10:15 am. Which means I need to leave for the airport by 7:00am.

I'd leave at 8:00 if it was in the past. My flight is for five hours and twenty-five minutes. I booked the shortest flight on purpose.

This was initially a round-trip ticket. I had planned on going away for just a few days but now coming back is not on my plan.

Finally, the day has arrived. Finding hard to leave my parents behind...sort of. Social interaction drains me now. Glad I'm leaving behind everything. Some days even my parent's enthusiasm & concern exhausts me. I have to put up an appearance in front of them to not worry them. Now that I'll be alone, I don't have to show up if I don't want to.

Arrived safely. It's beautiful here. Liberating to be in a new place where I don't have to smile at every person I see. I only smile genuine smiles. Like when I see a baby & dogs and get to eat a sweet apple or an ice cream.

Narrator: Just like that she stayed abroad for six years.

Yes, six years she stayed there with no plans of returning home, little to, no contact at all gradually.

Yes it was her, her bad memory all along...that thought five years went by but everyone else...like him knew she had left six years ago.

Yes it was her memory that confused her. It had actually been six years since she left...not five.

She has severe depression which lead to insomnia, weight gain, suicidal tendencies, insecurity, isolation. Taking antidepressants (prescribed medications) & drinking herbal tea like water for insomnia (Rosemary, chamomile, Butterfly pea).

10/01/19

Homesickness is like a shallow strait. I'm on this side & home is on the other.

15/01/19

Despite trying your best.

Regardless of how long you've worked hard.

Things doesn't always turn out how you want.

If things go on in this direction, I might loss my sanity...to the point where I unaliv3 myself.

Tell me I haven't worked hard enough. But that's not true. I've excessively worked hard.

I've bet my whole life trying to get through.

This one was my last chance to redeem myself.

Looks like there'll be one less person.

Is there anything worth holding on to?

No, not a thing.

No one to say my last goodbyes to.

No one to feel indebted to.

No one to worry about leaving behind.

No one to cry at my grave.

No one.

No.

16/01/19

This exam is my last chance to redeem myself. Deadline is near...11 days to go...

17/01/19

I'm thankful to dramas...they give me something to look forward to...in my bleak life.

27/01/19

I watched a very toxic movie...the Female lead was so mentally strong...even when everything went wrong she still continued to live. At every hurdle I was thinking why haven't she killed herself yet. She had no more reasons to live, but she still persistently lived on. I hated her spineless unconditional love. If it was me, I would have killed myself, this thought made me realize I never have had unconditional love for myself...my mental strength is so fragile to the point where a little stimulation/trigger lt could be life-threatening. I need to tell my therapist.

31/02/20

Doctor said I can reduce the dose of my antidepressants now. Though I still heavily rely on herbal tea to sleep. Nature does more good than harm so...that's an improvement.

05/07/22

How come I have several encounters with someone I don't want to meet while, so many years have passed, and I don't even have a chance encounter with you. Has our fate ended? Why would it be so hard to even cross paths even once. So unfair.

Haha, I've moved countries...I forget at times.

06/12/2022

I forgot how much I love the smell of old books. I got a lot of old books at a very reasonable price today...twenty five books in total. Girl, they were heavy.

Narrator: Six years of isolation and self-healing gradually helped her to improve her condition and find back her lost confidence. The next time they met was at their friend's birthday gathering.

15/03/2025

Happy Birthday to my Bestie. I know I shouldn't have left nor cut off all contacts with you. I hope you understand me...that was the only way I knew to survive at that time.

Why ...after so many years Why??? am I still fond of you. I feel the excitement in me as I see the sceneries that have once been. I still hesitate to strike up a conversation. Not only that, but I don't even have the basic human interaction ability when it comes to you. What will I do with all this memory that I alone cling onto. Maybe I still fancy you? But haven't years passed by? Three? No… Four, five years & still memories fresh as if yesterday had been our last day together. My hands sweaty & my heart restlessly thumping at the sight of you. The lump in my throat is still stuck from years ago as I part my lips to speak.

20/03/2025

How do I find back my lost memories? I don't remember much after I left. Something important must've happened. Had forgotten several things from the last five years, but those previous years still as vivid as a movie I've seen last night. You're a figure I conjure up at any moment of the day. The light at the end of my tunnel. The only thing that saved me from the slits. You kept me going. Just one more day so I could have a glance at you. As we parted I took a long look & thought to myself 'will this be the end of me?' I then had a new motif in life. I wanted to see you again. I've tried to cross paths but all to no avail. You are something I can't reach. I live my days trying to catch up with you.

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