Her:

A peep into her diary:

Trigger ⚠️

7/12/2022

Can someone pierce my head so my pain stops. Someone help me.

No one's coming to save me. I need to save myself. I need to survive. I have to get a PhD before I kill myself. Dye my hair red, green, white, silver. Ride a bike. I have to learn to paint. Travel around the world. Go skydiving, sea diving, bungee jumping. Climb Mount Everest, Himalayas. Read Heaven official's blessing & watch it's live action. I've got to get out of here soon. Will someone get me out of here please. If I continue my stay here I'll starve & rot to death. Someone take pity on me. Looks like I'll die ahead of you... at this rate. That's good too... I don't have to mourn anyone. You're the last person I care about in this world. But you have your own dear ones. Looks like I'm the unwelcomed guest again.

10/12/2022

I dream that I might be fortunate enough to see you once again. I miss you, but you feel as far as the horizon. When I think of you, you seem to be right before my eyes. You are on my mind endlessly.

15/12/2022

How do I find back my lost memories? I don't remember much after I left home. Something important must've happened.

28/12/2022

I think I should end myself. Lately, I don't even have the energy to wake up or do anything at all. Life doesn't seem exciting anymore. I'm still young...these thoughts scare me, but I can't help it. I see myself cutting...jumping down, running into a busy road. My intrusive thoughts have become my demons... I don't go out anymore. My parents scold me saying I stay in the room the whole day...but I don't even have the energy to eat.

Don't leave me alone... I might end myself.

I'm not one without ambition. It's not that I don't work hard that I've turned out like this.

1/1/2023

I'm easily overwhelmed by noise & overstimulated very quickly. The point is I'm very exhausted of this life. I can't do what I want to nor achieve what I need. The PhD that I hold so dear, seems so near yet so unreachable. I really might end up doing the unthinkable.

4/1/2023

Are you having a lot of tension or facing something? You never share.

Isn't my condition obvious to you? How comes such a lively person like me suddenly became so lifeless.

I'm going to end myself soon, if this goes on. I can't handle myself anymore. Can someone please pull me out of this pit. I want to end it all. I really can't do this anymore. Living is so mentally exhausting...even more so physically. So numb to everything. I know I am not & shouldn't be so pessimistic but really can't help myself. 'When you can't see the light in front you begin to doubt there will ever be'.

9/1/2023

Lately I've been dreaming a lot that I'm home. So far yet so close.

11/1/2023

Sleep & me are like sworn enemies. We seldom cross paths. Even when we do meet; she never had a deep conversation with me. I try to meet her early to make up for my past yet, she remains stubborn & unchanging. She leaves me at night with several thoughts. All by myself I wonder into the night, when I can meet her again.

16/1/2023

If you were not doing well why didn't you come find me?

Find you? In what identity, as a friend?

In fact you don't have to do much for me. I'm afraid I'll be greedy and want more.

19/1/2023

I like you to the point I wanna give up, for the sake of maintaining my sanity.

22/1/2023

So mentally unwell. I'm afraid I might commit the unthinkable. Really can't hold on at this point.

25/1/2023

I didn't sleep till morning. It's been a week now.

27/1/2023

To be honest, I'm not the bit surprised if I end myself very soon. So long I've held on. I'm more surprised I've lived this long. With all these suicidal tendencies & thoughts... I'm glad I haven't lost my sanity yet or have I?

28/1/2023

I might end myself, haven't thought of which is the best idea though. Do I need to write a will of some sort? I don't have any inheritance or anything worth leaving though.

29/1/2023

Really scared my inner demon will win the battle. Each day I'm getting closer towards death's threshold.

How about a rope? Don't think a cut on the wrist would lead to instant death. More like torture or a knife? Drowning is a better idea. No mess. If I could get cyanide on my hand, that'd be great. But more suffering than relieve.

Sleeping pills?

Rat poison?

Apple seeds?

3/2/2023

The wound will heal soon...I try to convince myself time and again as new wounds form on daily basis. The lifeline thinning more than ever.

4/2/2023

Tonight will be a very hard battle. I can't help it again. I want to end myself more than ever. I only have myself even in my darkest hours. For those in my head are not friends with me. They haven't been so for as long as I can remember. It doesn't matter if I win or lose...It's all ending very soon.

8/2/2023

Can someone please please end me. Please, for the love of God. Please.

Where do I go when home doesn't feel like one anymore?

19/2/2023

Someone help me. I want to end myself. Ironically I don't have anyone to talk to at this point. Maybe I'm too selfish or socially awkward. I don't even have an emergency contact. Someone help me. I'll be damn for, I can't even decide to take my life at this point. There's always something to consider. Also considering the amount of time I've excelled in life. Nothing is going well as of now. It's a pity our story won't have a proper ending...for you are long gone.

15/3/2023

I need someone to kill me. I can't bring myself to do it. My days get worse day by day. When will this ordeal end?

19/3/2023

Might as well do it tonight. I wonder how long it'll take. How deep does it need to be?

22/9/2024

As long as you're alive there's hope.

But when despair truly crushes a person.

Can those words still hold them up?

27/10/ 2024

I wanted to end myself but, instead I went on a long walk.I need to really unconditionally love myself, because no one else will.

12/11/2024

My love life really peaked when I fell in love and remained in love for years with someone I couldn't have.

17/11/2024

I've been trying to end myself for so long, and have survived all attempts just out of sheer luck and ignorance of not knowing exactly which nerve to cut.

1/12/2023

Things will get better...I repeat over & over as to convince myself as the worst is about to happen. I have picked a date. It's happening the next day finally.

Mom I'm sorry. I'm going to end myself. I'm going ahead sorry to let a black-haired parent send off their child, but I can't do this anymore. Living is so mentally exhausting, and I don't even have the energy to eat a sweet apple or an ice cream.

However, I want to have noodles with hard-boiled eggs before I end myself.

It was 4 Am in the morning the next day when she made the cut. She had been searching for the knife which she had hid behind cupboard near the door. She had hid it there so she wouldn't do it. Not knowing that, when the will becomes so strong no rational thought would win against neagativity. She sat down and let out a sigh of relief thinking 'finally it's all over'. The blood flowed continuously... for nearly thirty to forty minutes. Then, her neighbor on her way to a morning run, saw the blood spilling through the door and called the police and the ambulance. Lucky or unluckily for her, she survived except that she went into a coma.

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