Chapter 4 NUMB

I stood outside the classroom.

The door was closed behind me, and from inside, the teacher’s voice continued as if nothing had happened.

As if I had never been there.

I leaned against the wall.

The surface was cold, but I barely felt it.

At first, there were thoughts in my head.

I didn’t do anything.

Why does this always happen to me?

But slowly… even those thoughts faded.

Because thinking didn’t change anything.

It never did.

When the bell rang, the door opened.

Students walked out in groups, laughing, talking, pushing each other.

Normal.

Some of them glanced at me.

A few whispered.

A few smiled.

Then they walked away.

Like I wasn’t even worth stopping for.

I went back inside quietly.

No one said anything.

No one asked why I was out.

I walked to my desk.

And stopped.

There it was.

Written across the surface in rough, uneven letters—

LOSER.

For a moment, I just looked at it.

Not shocked.

Not angry.

Just… looking.

Then I picked up a piece of paper.

Rubbed it over the word.

Once.

Twice.

Until it faded.

Like it was never there.

I didn’t react.

I didn’t feel anything.

I sat down.

Took out my books.

Opened them.

And started studying.

Not because I suddenly cared.

But because it was something to do.

Something that didn’t require feeling.

The teacher was explaining something on the board.

Writing formulas.

Asking questions.

I copied everything down.

Line by line.

Word by word.

My hand moved.

But my mind stayed quiet.

Too quiet.

“Alex, write properly,” the teacher said.

I adjusted my notebook.

Kept writing.

No hesitation.

No mistake.

Just following instructions.

That’s all I was doing now.

Following.

Not thinking.

Not reacting.

During lunch, I stayed in my seat.

I didn’t go out.

Didn’t talk to anyone.

Didn’t look at anyone.

Voices filled the classroom, but they felt distant.

Like noise from another place.

I took out my lunch.

Opened it.

Stared at it for a few seconds.

Then closed it again.

I wasn’t hungry.

I wasn’t tired.

I wasn’t sad.

I wasn’t anything.

Just… empty.

A few students entered the classroom.

They looked at me.

“Still here?”

One of them laughed.

“Bro, he erased it already,” another said, glancing at my desk.

“Doesn’t matter,” someone replied, smiling.

“He knows it’s true.”

They laughed.

I heard them.

Every word.

But it didn’t feel the same anymore.

It didn’t hurt.

Not like before.

Maybe I was getting used to it.

Or maybe…

there was nothing left inside me to hurt.

I rested my head on the desk.

Closed my eyes.

And for the first time, there was no noise in my head.

No questions.

No anger.

No fear.

Just silence.

And in that silence, a thought came quietly—

Maybe this is easier.

Not caring.

Not reacting.

Not hoping for anything better.

Because when you stop expecting things…

you stop getting hurt.

Right?

I didn’t answer that thought.

I didn’t question it.

I just let it stay.

Because for the first time in a long while…

feeling nothing

felt better than feeling everything.

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