Chapter 1: dream guy

Have you ever heard the song "Gorgeous" by Taylor Swift? If you have, you’ll definitely know these lines:

"I got a boyfriend, he's older than us

He's in the club doing, I don't know what

You're so cool, it makes me hate you so much."

And have you ever had that moment? You’re riding home, tired and just zoning out, and suddenly—the perfect song plays at exactly the right time. Completely out of nowhere. That was me. That was my "right song, right time, random fucking song" moment.

We were all sixteen once, right? And if you weren't sixteen yet... well, put this down and come back when you're twenty-six. You need to be a grown-up to understand just how messed up the things I did at sixteen really were.

"Merry Christmas."

Help me God, you were born today, but I swear—I was the happiest person alive. Because I had just met the guy of my dreams.

You know that feeling? When you stare at an actor on screen and literally drool over them, wishing and praying for a miracle, hoping somehow, someway, they’d actually fall for you?

Yeah. That was exactly how I felt the second I saw him.

I stared at the screen for like, five whole minutes just blinking. I was literally screaming internally. Like, excuse me??? The guy of my dreams actually texted ME?

I kept re-reading those two words over and over again, analyzing every single letter. “Merry Christmas.” So simple, so casual, but to me? It felt like he’d just written me a love poem or something.

My hands were shaking as I typed back a reply, deleting and rewriting it like a hundred times. I didn’t want to sound too desperate, but I also didn’t want to sound boring. Finally, I sent something back, trying to play it cool even though I was literally melting inside.

And then… he replied back.

We started talking, and honestly? It felt like we’d known each other for years. He was older, obviously, which made it even more exciting and dangerous in that “Gorgeous” kind of way. He was everything I imagined and more—funny, sweet, and just so… cool.

I remember thinking, Okay universe, you win. This is actually happening.

Who would’ve thought that meeting someone at a funeral would turn into the best Christmas gift I ever received? Feeling things I’d never felt before, and honestly? I didn’t care if it was messed up or wrong. I was happy, and that was all that mattered.

And let’s not forget the most important detail…

He was twenty-four.

Eight years older than me. Eight. Fucking. Years.

I was sixteen, still figuring out how to do my makeup properly and stressing over homework, and here was this man—fully grown, independent, literally an adult—talking to me like I was the only girl in the world.

It was exactly like that Taylor Swift song, wasn't it? “He's older than us… You're so cool, it makes me hate you so much.”

He was in that stage of life where he knew what he was doing, going out to clubs, living his life, while I was still basically a kid. And God, that made him ten times more attractive. There was something so thrilling, so dangerous about it. Like I wasn't supposed to have him, like we were doing something wrong just by talking.

My friends would’ve lost their minds if they knew. My parents would’ve literally killed me. But that’s what made it so exciting, right? The forbidden fruit tastes the sweetest, or whatever they say.

I knew deep down it was messed up. I knew a twenty-four year old man shouldn't be interested in a sixteen year old girl, and a sixteen year old girl definitely shouldn't be feeling this way about someone so much older. But when he texted me? When he gave me that attention? All the logic just flew right out the window.

I was living my own messy, complicated romance, and I was obsessed.

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