HK5- Smile

SUNNY

“Oh my gosh! You did not tell me that you look like a freaking doll, Sunshine babe.” I heard Natalie screams as I opened my cam while we talk on Igram. We have been talking for months and she became one of my closest friends in Igram since we have a lot of thing in common. Though, I was so shocked to know that she actually came from the same country and that she is younger than me.

“Nah, don’t give me a lot of compliments. My head might get bigger. Yah?” I replied laughing as I moved to my white wooden study table.

“No way! You deserve my wonderful compliments. I honestly did not expect that someone can be so gorgeous and so cute at the same time.” She exaggeratedly answered while I saw her walking somewhere down the streets through her camera. She kept on talking and talking and I can’t stop laughing from her jokes and comedic expressions. I don’t know but I feel like considering her as one of my long-lost sisters.

“Ahh! I am really envious of you Sunshine. Ahh, how to laugh like that? Did you ever experience pain? You look like someone without problems.”

“It’s a matter of perception, I think.” I answered while giving her my most sincere smile. After ending the call everything that went on my life from the past years especially this recent year just enveloped my mind.

12 years ago…

Sunny, dear. I have to go.

7 years ago…

We can’t accept you.

6 years ago…

I want to be happy too.

Last year…

Cold coffee on the table, disheveled bed mattresses, scattered papers, and dimmed lighted room. All of them keeps on spinning in my field vision in a muzzy kind of way, and no matter how I tried to grasps them nothing just makes sense to me. I couldn’t understand why I kept on messing my life with just the thought of him living without me. I tried. I know that I did but I still can’t pull all of my shits and up.

Weeks had already passed since we last talked yet I am still floating with my old fantasies. Thinking about all of our memories that we created together and the dreams that we wished to build hand in hand. I thought I can build myself up by trying to depend to someone again but my thoughts were wrong. I thought trusting again would make me feel better but it didn’t.

“I am sorry to say this but you are suffering from an eating disorder. Don’t worry, we can fix this.”

I am hungry. I rummaged our house’s refrigerator and eat anything that I found delectable. I don’t mind if it is a viand, a fruit, a vegetable, or a dessert. I just want to eat. I grabbed everything that I see and binge it with my heart out not caring even if I am alone sitting in front of an open refrigerator in the middle of the night. I kept on eating and eating as I felt like I want to puke everything. I ran to the comfort room and stared at my reflection looking like someone disgusting. I think am too fat. My arms are getting bigger and my face looks plump. I’m being a pig with my messed-up hair. In a second, I vomited every single food that I ate without minding the pain that it caused to my throat and stomach. I grabbed unto the cold marble sink as I continuously try to retch out the entirety of all the food that I ate earlier. As I finished, I remembered Yve’s voice telling me that he got me a gym membership card because I am getting fat and I am losing my great figure.

“Sunny, can’t you just let me happy? Please.”

She gave me a pleading gaze, trying to ask for permission to let her live the life that she chose for herself. The life that she chose without me. She hurriedly fetched most of her clothes in the drawers and put them on her crimson luggage bag. She grabbed some of her other stuffs like her cards, jewelries, and her favorite scarf that I love hugging at night. I looked at her as she holds tightly to her husband which I had an argument with because I heard about his addiction and his obsessive traits. Then, I watched her as she walked with him towards their son and daughter. She clasped their hands unto her walking to somewhere that I don’t know and to somewhere I can’t go.

“Young lady, the master asked for your presence to his study room.”

He asked me to called him sir as always and let me sat in front of his mahogany table. He allowed his servant to serve me a cup of an unordinary cup of tea, letting me taste bitterness with its natural flavor and with his undefiable words. He is intimidating me with the power that he got from his wealth and I did. I got intimidated and agreed on his terms. It was so easy for him to treat me like a pawn for his business considering that he regarded his son as useless to him. With that, he looked down upon me trying to get a hold of any benefit that he could get from me by asking me to meet various kinds of people with connections. Some people that he treats better than the people who shares the same bloodline with him. I gazed as his hands signed the paper that I asked as a payment from him. In a matter of a short time, we shook hands as a symbol of our business-like agreement and part ways without minding the thread that connects us.

I sat on my bed and grabbed one of the books placed on top of my white wooden night stand. I smiled when I opened the colorful book on a familiar page which I always read before sleeping. I touched its smooth paper that was tinted with the ink of the letters that encompassed the page and unnoticeably whispered the words.

“In time, everything will be fine.”

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