FOUR

When I wake up in the mornin', I have chores. I have to get on up before Marshall and that way, the sun is not even up yet.

The first thing I do, is brush my teeth and splash water on my face so I can be fresh enough to function. Usually I put my hair up in a braid wrapped around my head because I can do it while I'm walkin'. I go to the nursery to get Junior, then after feedin' him I wrap him up and strap 'im to my back. Then, I go outside to get eggs and milk for breakfast and then I use the stuff I gathered and bought the day before to make food.

Marshall's favourite food for breakfast is biscuits and gravy, with scrambled eggs, and sausage, along with some beer. But, I cain't make it everyday or else it'll spoil it, so I shift and make pancakes today. Since I got all the ingredients to make it from scratch.

Junior is only a year and three months old so he'll eat almost whatever I put in front of him.

"Mornin', sugar." when he comes into the kitchen pickin' at his eye boogs, I rush to the fridge to grab his drink. Poppin' it open before handin' it to him.

I wipe the wet from the can off my hands. "Mornin'." I turn on my heels and busy myself with cleanin' off the counters while each pancake cooks. "You know, Lee, I was wonderin'... If maybe I could go visit my family today." I pass Junior a tiny pancake. Blowin' on it and puttin' it on his high chair table. "I was just gonna walk down there after you left for work and come back before the sun was up."

He smacks his lips after takin' a long gulp. "No."

A pang goes off in my head, makin' me feel all kinds o' ways. "Why...not?" I cain't make eye contact.

"Because, I said so, ain't that enough?" he questions, when I finally turn to give him his food, I have my inner upper lip in my teeth. "You can stay home and that way I know for a fact you'll be here when I get back."

I fix a plate for myself, but I don't sit down to eat. "Lee, please, we've been married for a month now and all I want is to see my family." I don't like to be criticized for the way I eat or how much I eat in front of him, so I hold off and eat after he leaves when I can.

"I am your family." he shrugs and stuffs his face with buttermilk pancakes. "Me and Junior all the family you need," he says between bites.

He told me that he likes my cookin', he remembered it from when he stayed on the farm when I was younger and mama would be too busy with the animals sometimes. I'd take her place and cook breakfast, lunch, and dinner for everybody. Marshall said he likes how I cook from scratch.

"But... Junior ain't my son, Lee." I watch the toddler chow down. "I love him, but...?!"

He slams a hand down on the table. "That's enough. You heed what I say, Gracie." he stares.

"I know..." I almost feel like givin' up, but then I remember mama wasn't feelin' well the week that I left and at the weddin'. I need to go check on her. "I know, but Lee only for an hour. I just need an hour. I'll go see my mama and then I'll be right back here in time to make lunch for Norean and Coop."

He eyes me down. His gaze tellin' me 'no' over and over again.

I nod, understandin' that I have to give up on it and go back to cleanin' up after breakfast.

When he finishes eatin', he puts his plate and the can on the counter and gives me a cold, wet kiss on my cheek. Beer fresh on his breath.

"I'm gonna go get ready." he tells me when he starts to leave the kitchen.

In the corner of my eye, I watch him head up the stairs and hold my breath 'til he disappears. Twistin' my locket. Then I put both hands on the edge of the sink and slump.

Exhausted and depressed. I spend nearly all day, everyday thinkin' about my family and the rest of it scared that Marshall is gonna hit me.

He did it before. Twice.

The first time was when I didn't come back home in time from the store. The sun was down and he was upset for three days after.

The second time was when I neglected the dogs and let the girl get pregnant by a stray. Now he keeps her in the shed and Coop is in charge of them again.

I can hear footsteps comin' back, heavy and steady, so I know it's Marshall and not Coop comin' early like he does sometimes.

In response, I get up off the floor fast and in doing that my head starts to swim. A blackness comes over my eyes and a need to throw up shows up in my throat. I cover my mouth and push past Marshall to get to the bathroom under the stairs.

The moment my knees hit the floor, throw up comes up and I have never been happier to be livin' with a man that leaves the toilet seat up. This would've been a hell of a mess to clean up.

"What's wrong with you?" Marshall comes around, probably upset that I bumped him on my way out the kitchen.

I take this chance. "Can I go into town to buy a pregnancy test?"

His eyes widen. "What did you say?"

"I think I'm pregnant, Lee." I nearly repeat, the hand on the floor is clenched. "Can I go into town to get a pregnancy test?"

He seems overjoyed, he helps me to my feet and pats me down and everything. Then he pushes back my bangs and kisses my forehead.

"Gone on and clean up," he directs. "I'll drive you into town and you can walk back."

I nod. Feelin' on the inside as if I won somethin'.

Marshall goes upstairs to finish cleanin' up before work, and I stay down here, eat what I can off my breakfast and wrap up the rest for later. I wash dishes and tidy up before goin' to brush my teeth again.

When he is ready, I put on my shawl, along with Junior and head out with him. Gettin' in his truck to go into town. We don't talk much the whole way. He goes on about wantin' to have a baby for a couple minutes and then he stops. Just smilin' for the rest of the time we're together. He drops me off at the clinic and then heads off to the station.

It only takes maybe an hour for me to speak with the doctor and get the test and then another hour to get results back from three different test.

I go home. Walkin'. Holdin' my gut. Wonderin' if it's a boy or a girl. My daddy said that if he had a son, his name would be Charles or Anthony, named after Charles Anthony Graci like me. But my sisters name is already Charlie, so I'll go for Anthony or Gracen. Maybe both. Anthony Gracen Marshall.

I get so preoccupied thinkin' about a name for a baby boy that I neglect a girl name.

Right when I start to think about it, I feel wobbly in the knees.

"Gracie!" I squint ahead of me and try to focus on who's callin' me.

The sun hits me hard and I feel dizzy. "Hey, Gaven," he's not alone. "Bidziil, Jacy."

Bidziil is called 'Bindi' and he is the larger of the group. Dark brown eyes and long black hair with one side of his hair cut. Jacy being thinner with almost always at least two braids in his hair. They're both nice to me since I've known 'em for so long.

"Are you okay?" Gaven takes my hand and sits me down under a tree, out of the sun.

I nod, puttin' Junior on my lap. "I think I got mornin' sickness or somethin'." I laugh so he doesn't worry. "Doctor told me to go home and go to sleep. I shouldn't even be walkin', but I wanted to go visit my mama so I didn't ask Marshall."

He puts a hand to my forehead. "Gracie, what're you going on about?" he frets.

I take his hand and look him dead in the eye. "Gaven, I'm pregnant," I tell him. Thinkin' I have to. "I just found out this mornin'."

Jacy and Bindi share a look behind him, but I don't take the time it would take to actually look at their faces and try to figure out what they're thinkin'. I'm focused on Gaven.

"Gracie..." his eyebrows are turned up weird at first, but he looks down and when he brings his head back up, he's grinnin' like a coyote. "That's good news, right?" he scratches his ear.

"It just feels so final now," I say while he helps me to my feet. "Bein' married to Marshall. I'm havin' his baby and I'll raise 'em and I'll grow old with Marshall." I start sobbin' with tears comin' out faster than I can catch 'em.

The boys start talkin', but I don't make the effort to hush up and listen. If they were talkin' to me they would try to get my attention.

"You wanna come to the reservation?" Jacy stoops in front of me and looks me dead in the eye. "We're havin' a little get together. You should come."

Gaven holds me up by my arm. "You can see my family."

"They came to the weddin'," I remind him with somethin' else on the tip of my tongue but I don't ask or say anything in addition. "I've seen them. I just haven't seen you."

Bindi puts a hand on top of my head. "Since you're visiting the reservation," his voice is real deep. "You gonna stop by the school?"

That's right. I used to tutor at the reservation school for pocket change when I wanted a little extra for myself. Like a new dress or somethin' useful like new tools. I enjoyed it so much that I promised that when I was older, I would apply to be an actual teacher. It was a dream to take care of the children all day.

"No." Gaven picks me up. "She can see the kids another time, but she isn't well right now. We're taking her to my mom so she can get some medicine."

Gaven and the other two walk with me all the way to the reservation. Well, I don't really do much walkin' myself. Gaven carries me on his back for a good amount of the time we go.

Jacy and Bindi gettin' along surprisingly well with Junior.

The three of them sing and hum and talk about whatever since the way home for them is pretty long from where we were right outside of town. Gaven has a car, but he doesn't very much like drivin' it. Bindi has a bike. A motorcycle that makes so much noise sometimes that it makes my ears ring.

"Gracie Belle," Gaven's mama, Nanyehi or Nancy, puts down her gun and comes to hug me. She's a Ghigau, the strongest most important woman on the reservation. She is like an ambassador in town for the people on the reservation while her husband mostly stays on their own land and takes care of things here. "You looked so beautiful on your wedding day. Shame though." she puts a hand to her cheek.

My head tilts a bit. "A shame?"

Gaven sits me down and swipes at his neck. "Mom."

She seems annoyed with him for a second, but then she turns. "Anevay isn't here. I know she wants to see you though."

I shake my head. "It's alright, Gaven just drug me here."

"Why?" she asks, lookin' at him.

"She's carrying a baby." Bindi goes to raid the fridge.

Nancy's eyes grow wide. "Wow." then she gets to movin'. "Wow, okay. Well, you need to get home." she reaches and grabs somethin' for me. "Here's a little something, mix it with honey water if you feel like you gotta throw up." she gives me a little canvas pouch. "Your husband is the bring road kill home for dinner type of man, but make sure you don't eat any raccoon and don't eat black nuts."

"Alright." she gets me up out of the chair and Gaven goes to help. "Thank you."

She grabs some keys. "It's getting dark, I'll take you and this little one home. Gaven stay here and wait until your sister gets home. I'll be back. Come on, Gracie."

I laugh and turn just enough to wave a goodbye to Gaven and the others. Nancy is in a rush and when she rushes, you either move with her or get out of the way. Either way, you can't be still.

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