TWO AWFUL FEELING

"You..."

He stood still, holding her hands strongly, so firmly that she felt her bones silently crack, but he didn't seem to bother. His violet eyes were cold and piercing through her like a spear, it was nothing compared to the warm expression that accentuated his beautiful charms.

He looked like a beast ready to tear its prey into several unrecognizable pieces. He was nothing of the gentle and considerate boy friend with whom she had dated with for five good years. The more she struggled to get rid of his monstrous grip, the more he tightened his grip. Ignoring her plea and tears of pain from betrayal, he continued tightening his grip on hers.

"James, what are you doing, it hurts."

"Hmph, does it?", James sneered are before Eleanor could understand the situation, he had tossed her to the floor and looked down on her like dirt.

"James, you..."

   Eleanor was cut off her words by his simple gesture, if it had been that simple she wouldn't have even noticed it. But the man she loved actually took out a tissue to wipe his hands, as if he had been touched by the most disgusting thing.

His once admiration, turned into disgust as he threw the disposable tissue on her face.

"I should have been blind when I chased and wooed you. Who could have known that you were just an HIV carrier."

His words pierced her heart like a spear, it was even more painful than the first time she had heard it from the doctor's words. His lips seems to be carrying millions blades that slowly cut her body, causing it to bleed nonstop.

You're aware.", The words escaped her lips even before she could give it a second thought.

"If I didn't discover it by others, would you have kept it away from me, or would you have transferred it to me."

"No!"

She denied it, but the moment she looked into his eyes, her words dried down in her throat. A knot was tied in her stomach and she felt her mind become blurry with time. She didn't know if it was one of the symptoms of HIV but it was an unbearable feeling she had never felt before.

"I don't want to have anything to do with a person like you."

A person like her, she thought in pain.

It was even more painful than just discovering that she had been diagnosed as an HIV patient. Though she had seen it coming, she still had hopes that James who had confessed love so many times to her wouldn't just abandon her like that. 

What about the promises he made never to leave her even if the world abandoned her. Now the world seems to have abandoned her, but he was also going to leave, leave as if he had never been there.

"We're breaking up."

He had finally said it, but her heart had already gone numb from the disgust he revealed not long. She was already prepared for the worst, yet she wasn't sure if she would ever be ready for the worst.

She wanted to ask if his love and promises were all fake. Was their love so fragile that he would walk away at the first trouble that befall her. 

Without looking back he stumped outside, followed by the flirtatious bestie. Oh no, ex bestie, the reason behind her nightmare and the reason why she felt that life was no longer worth an effort.

Her lifeless body curled down on the cold parquet, getting blurrier as warm liquids dropped on it. She hadn't even realised when her tears started flowing, but it had already filled her eyes.

She still recalled the first time she met James.

It was in a cold afternoon in highschool, when the campus had almost been emptied with few students roaming around because they didn't bring an umbrella to mock at the pouring rain.

He stood by the pillar with ear pieces, plugged in his ears. She couldn't tell for how long he had been standing there, but she later heard from others that he had been staring at her for god knows how long before he decided to make a move towards her.

"Hey, I'm James, can I share an umbrella with you?"

He requested and she recalled rejecting his request politely that day. She had to share an umbrella with Vivian who came later, she was the type who kept friendship ahead of love.

Maybe their romance started that day or the day he started to chase after her,woo her until she had said yes.

They dated for quite long, but never went beyond holding hands, until she decided to give him her first kiss on his nineteenth birthday. It was an innocent and inexperienced kiss, but James had held the back of her head, pulling her body closer to his. He kissed her till she was out of breath before he finally let go. Her lips had been swollen by his rough kiss, still she loved him because he was hers and she was his.

They even promised to get married once they graduated from the university, but everything turned out to be her wishful thinking. She had been the only stupid girl who dreamt of a fairy tale.

Vivian betrayed her brutally and the love of her life abandoned her like a piece of trash, rumours of her HIV results circulated in the school campus and everyone avoided her like pest. Her once glorious life was nothing more than a stain that no one dared to touch. They avoided her as if they feared getting infected by just staying three meters closer to her. 

She was no longer the school bell, but the school virus as others had often whispered loudly.

Reason why she still sat in that dimly lit bar, drowning herself in alcohol until she was unable to tell what was good or wrong. Many boys eyed her with lust, but who dared come close to an HIV positive.

The moment she had stepped in the bar, she didn't mind proudly saying about her infection. At least there was one advantage of being infected with this virus.

Eleanor smiled bitterly as she looked at the last drink of whiskey in the translucent glass. In just one gulp she would have been able to finish it, but she had only hoped that a single drink of it could drown all her troubles.

She lifted up her glass to finish the last drink, unexpectedly her hands were empty, she hadn't even realised when a pair of hand had taken away her drink. She lifted her head to look at the plump, but beautiful figure in front of her, but her eyes were a little blurry, as if two figures appeared to watch her with pity.

Pity?

That's the last expression she ever wished to see, pity, such an awful feeling.

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