First Heartbreak

Dear Diary,

I just wanted to share my first love story although it was a long time ago I know some readers can still learn a lesson from my experience. It all started when I was in 2nd-year high school. Matt was a graduating student and was popular in our school because of his skills, particularly in arts.

He was my favourite crush since I have a lot of crushes in school way back then. Our paths crossed when I joined the theatre arts in our Parish. It is a church organization of youth who loves singing, dancing and acting. I easily passed the audition stage since I'm also a member of the theatre club in school. The organization's name was "Teatro de San Roque" or what we called "TSR".

In TSR, Matt was one of the officers and as a newbie, we were obliged to follow their orders before they sign our approval form. Following orders and searching for the other officers was more difficult than the audition stage. In that requirement, we needed to obey them even if sometimes the others were just making fun of us. But everything is just fine whenever I see Matt around the building. Time flies so fast and my batch was officially a member of the said youth organization. There, I gain more friends. I learned much to develop my acting and interpersonal skills. But what makes me happier is that when I and Matt became good friends. My feelings for him fall deeper than I could ever imagine.

Matt is so simple yet full of charisma. That's how I describe him. His tanned skin fits his slim yet masculine body. His round tantalizing eyes speak louder than his voice that's why he can't tell a lie or his own eyes betray him. His pointed cute nose I have always adored. Even his soft, shiny black hair is so perfect to stare at. And his smile, his smiles and giggles were so addictive that I wished to always see them. My heartbeat always winks fast whenever we're together, whenever he's teasing me, sharing his food, playing his guitar in front of me, whenever we play around the studio as if we were little kids running and chasing each other. And most especially whenever I hear his angelic voice as he sings a song for us or me. I just loved everything about this man.

One afternoon while we were waiting for the other members to come, he showed me his envelope full of his masterpiece. It was different pictures of anime characters that he draws using only a pencil. I was as amazed as ever. Then he gave me a piece of paper with a picture of Miaka from Fushigi Yuugi that he draw.

"Keep this. I draw that for you. You're like Miaka." I clearly remember what he said. I was speechless at first but I was so happy as I received it from him. At that time, I was aware that my family was about to move to the province that's why I felt a pinch in my heart as I remember that. I only have a few times to spend with my friends. With him. And that idea is so painful for my very young heart. To be separated from the people you love the most.

At that time also, I didn't waste time spent with him. I even remember when we were about to go outside to buy snacks when one of our friends -Ramil go with us, and that friend confessed his feelings for me before but I was so faithful to Matt even if we were just friends too so I didn't accept Ramil feelings. When Matt was buying our food, Ramil asked me what I want (to buy) but instead of answering him what I want to buy, I pointed to Matt and told Ramil that I want that man. I know it sounds so crazy but I was so crazy in love with Matt at that time.

Another day passed, and the TSR was aware of my family's plan of leaving the town. Everyone was so sad hearing my news. Including him. He was laying on the floor and his head on my lap, he said he wants to take a nap so I let him sleep. I secretly stare at his calm face. I was not sure if he was already asleep. I slowly brushed his hair continuously and was talking to him in my mind. I was telling him how much I like him, that I love him. That it hurts me so much to leave. I slowly moved my fingers from his forehead down to his face, tracing his nose, so gently as not to wake him as I touched his lips and chin.

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And so almost two years have passed since I left them. I graduated high school in the province and I have decided to go back to the city for work. Yes, Diary. I work just after I graduated high school because of my issues with my family. I worked at a private clinic with one of my friends. Then to a pharmacy when I turned 18. I didn't proceed to college even after I worked from the clinic. I guess that's part of my life where I lost control to enjoy life and being self-reliant.

One late afternoon, I thought I was just daydreaming but I realized that Matt is just in front of me. He said that he was just about to buy formal attire for his graduation ceremony when he saw me in the drugstore. Starting that day, he often visits me and sometimes waits for me until the drugstore close. We used to have a late dinner after my work and walked under the streetlights as we go home. Everything was surreal until one day he finally confessed his feelings for me. He courted me for a few months since he started working from afar. And I said Yes!

It was the 26th day of the tenth month of the year when we officially committed to each other. I was so happy as if I was the luckiest and prettiest girl in the whole wide world. Just like before, we used to talk through chats and calls since we are in a long-distance relationship. We talked on the phone for longer and sweeter than ever. During his day off, he patiently waits for me after work to have dinner and roam the town. We even used to play hide and seek and chase behind the cars in the parking area. Playing our shadows from the streetlights. Wipes the smear of food on each other's cheeks. Sharing earphones as we listened to our favourite love song and sing it together merrily. We were so in love. I know that. I always believe that we were so in love with each other.

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It was the first week of December and Christmas was approaching. He received a lot of party invitations and recognition from here and there. In an instant, he became a busy man that I can't talk to even in chats. He was always unavailable to talk because of the workload and invitation from our senior theatre adviser.

"Are we good?" I asked him, it was late Sunday night when he waited for me after work. My rest day was one of the weekdays by the way, and he was at the weekend. He just sighed deeply as if his mind was absent and preoccupied. "What's wrong?" I asked again.

"I think we need a break," he said plainly. I was shocked after hearing that from him. "I want to proceed with my studies. From my graduate course in architecture, I want to proceed with engineering," he added.

"That's nice. I will cheer you up and support you as always" I replied.

"You don't get it. I want to continue my studies as a working student in our senior adviser in theatre. Remember her? Sister Laura?" He explained.

" Yes, I know her," I uttered. Of course, I know her. But I was just wondering why that idea was bothering him and wants to have a break in our relationship.

"Sister Laura said that she wants what's best for me as one of the former officers in the theatre. She will help me study engineering at a fine university but in return, she wants me to get high grades and focus on my studies." He was trying to elaborate on everything, "And no love life allowed. She said that if I meet a girl, she wants to meet her and make sure that the girl has a great educational background," he added emotionlessly.

Those words were like a slap on my face after hearing them. It was so painful and I feel like my heart will blast and burst anytime soon. Why would he even tell me those things? Isn't he ready to at least fight for our love? Even just a try to fight for it. I wanted to hear from him that he tried to fight for his love for me. But he never did. I can understand wholeheartedly that he badly wants to continue his studies but I can't help myself from breaking apart with the idea of letting him go. I know I didn't have a college degree or came from a prestigious university but I know I can study well if I want. I know that I can be a better person for him someday.

So I hold on to that thinking of pursuing my dreams to study in college. And yes, we broke up. It was so hard for me but I set him free for his good sake and happiness. My strength is the hope of turning back to college after my contract in the drugstore I was working on. I patiently waited from day to day. But I guess that day will never come.

I was meandering through the mall to buy new clothes when I saw him with another girl. The girl looks so smart from her posture and even her gestures will say so. I can't fool myself that they were just friends because they were so sweet to each other. Although Matt barely smiles at her unlike when we were together, at least he makes some effort for the girl to be sweet. I sneaked and watched them from behind. Watching him with another girl is like embracing millions of knives. It was so painful yet I felt so numb. My strength was crushed. My hope was gone too. I just wished to get amnesia right at that moment to forget about him. To forget how much I loved him.

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Five years later, I was already a degree holder. He became my motivation even after hearing the news that they got married. I considered him as my motivation to finish my studies. The pain, the anger and the bitterness he caused me made me stronger to continue life. Time heals my wrecked heart and taught me how to forgive the people I used to love. Now, as I am writing this to you, Diary, I can proudly say that I did the right thing after my heartbreak. I stood and continue living despite the pain he brought to me.

^^^^^^Love,^^^^^^

^^^Miss AuthorLj❣️^^^

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