Tight Discipline

Dear Diary,

I'm the eldest daughter in our family. I'm only 14 and in secondary school. My parents, especially my mom are very proud of me. I was a top student way back in grade school, attended mass every Sunday, and even joined the choir in both school and church.

Everything seems fine at first. Not until that family reunion happened. My mom met again her cousin after almost a decade of not seeing each other. They shared a lot of stories about their life. My mom was so proud to tell her about my school achievements, but her cousin proudly flexed the photos of her son, my second cousin's achievements too. There, I also saw the photos of her son with so numerous medals, trophies, and certificates. He was also able to have a photo with their Mayor and other highly profiled personalities in their place. Aside from that, he was also a part of their barangay's Sangguniang Kabataan, an organization of youth under the vision of the barangay council. He even serves as a sacristan in their chapel every first Sunday of the month.

Starting that day, my mom forced me to be better at school. I thought being a top student is good enough for her but now seems she changed her perception of my future. She wants this, she wants that, keeps on reminding me about her dos and don'ts policy. Monitoring my every single day of life. That sucks.

I know to myself that I am an introverted person. I'm not fond of those things that she was asking me to be. My anxiety attacks every time she's forcing me to make socializing with her friend and colleagues. My heart also shattered whenever she's scolding me when I'm doing my hobbies, painting, and drawing. She never supports me with these things. Not even when I finished writing a mother-and-son novel that I dedicated to her. She said that I was just wasting my time on gibberish things. That hurts. Really bad.

She even started to throw me hurtful words every time I failed to get a perfect score in exams. Or if one of her friend's daughters same my age got an opportunity to expose talents in public or social media. She always says that I should be like them, and how she envied the parents of those kids for having them. I was wondering if she ever thought about my feelings while right at that moment hearing those hurtful words from her.

I wanted to talk to her about how I feel. To ask her to lose up at least once in a while her tight discipline. To tell her how tiring it was to be her child anymore. That I can't breathe the burden she was given me. Sometimes I even wished I was never born. Or even envy our pets cats and dog for they are more loved by my mom than me, her child. But how? How can I even say a single word to her about this? I'm so afraid to ask her. To tell her how I feel about it. How can I tell her without disappointing and hurting her feelings? How can I ever help myself escape from this fate? I'm so exhausted.

^^^Love,^^^

^^^Ella^^^

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