PROLOGUE

"Kuya! I have something for you." I excitedly said to him as I get the bracelet in my pocket.

Inaalala ko isa-isa yung mga memories na nakalimutan ko. Pero kahit anong isip ang gawin ko ay hindi nagiging malinaw ang mga pangyayari.

He looked at me but when I looked at him, his face were blurry. He walked near to me and gave me a smile. After that, he looked at my hand then he get the bracelet. He stared at it with amazement and I can sense that he loved it.

"Ginawa mo ito Klev? Ang ganda naman. Sige, isusuot ko 'to lagi." He wears it then tapped my head. Even though his image was blurred, I knew that he's still happy.

Habang unti-unti kong pilit na inaalala ang mga pangyayari, the pain in my head worsen. I stopped walking and took a deep breath then get the meds in my pocket and drinks it. After that, Inalala ko ulit yung kasunod na nangyari. I need to remember him.

I run towards him and gave him a hug then after that he embraced his arms around my body. I looked up at him with a sweet smile drawn in my face.

"Kuya! I think, I like you. I want you to be my husband someday." I joyfully said to him but instead of having a delightful expression, I saw a droopy one.

When he was about to talk back, my head suddenly afflict. I stop myself for thinking too much. My mind can't handle it anymore. Sa tuwing pinipilit kong alalahanin ang mga pangyayari kasama siya ay mas lalo lang lumalala ang kirot sa ulo ko.

Bakit pakiramdam ko napakalaking parte siya ng nakaraan ko? Bakit pakiramdam ko gusto ko siyang makita at makilala. I want to find him. I want to know why'd I loved him in my memories. I want to know if he loves me too back then.

I sighed then searched for a nearest coffeeshop and bought a cup of Espresso. I look at my watch and it's 11:30 in the evening and here I am, walking alone in the street, sipping my coffee while listening to Sam Smith's songs. Listening to him and his songs made my mind relaxed. I will forget him for a while. I don't want to hurt my head thinking of him.

I look at the empty road while the cold wind started to blew and touched my skin. It felt good and relaxing. I'd rather be here forever. Life is tiring. I felt drained everytime but I need to stay awake and keep on fighting.

There's something that I need to unravel. I have a feeling that there must be a reason why I'm here and still breathing. Something like finding who's that man behind my memories? I don't know. I'm so stressed thinking of what is it. Even I, don't know the purpose of me- being alive again.

I returned home after walking from work to house. As I open the door, I already smell the smoke coming from my mother's cigarette. And there she is, sleeping in the bamboo chair. When I looked at the table, it was filled with an empty bottles of beer and some leftover chips. I sighed.

I walk towards her and clean all the wastes. The bottles, cigarette butts, plastics, etc. When I almost done cleaning her stuff, I heard her cry. I know that she's still in deep pain and suffering because of my father and my lil' brother's death.

I approached her and shake her shoulders to wake her up.

"Mama? Mama! Gising! Nananaginip ka nanaman."  I tried to talk in a normal tone because I don't want my emotion to carried me away. Ayaw ni mama na kinaaawaan siya. She wants me to see her as a strong woman which I already knew. I love her and for me, she's the best.

A moment passed then she open her eyes. I look at her, hoping that she understands what my mind wants to say. Instead, I see through her eyes that she's in great sadness.

They say that eyes are the windows to our soul. No matter how hard you try to act different at what you feel and hide what's really in the inside, one look at the eye, you'll already knew what he/she really feel.

She smiled and acted normal like nothing happened. She always do that, pretending strong even she's in deep grieving. Umayos siya sa pagkakaupo then she held my face.

"Bakit ngayon ka lang? Kumain ka na ba?" She said in a low voice. I smiled at her and touched the hand that she was holding to my face.

"Pasensya ka na anak haa. Sa susunod maghahanda na ako ng makakain mo. Nakatulog ako dito sa upuan at hindi ko namalayan ang oras. Nadatnan mo pa yung mga kalat ko. Anong gusto-..." I stopped her from talking because I knew that she's unease and distressed. I looked at her and tried to gave her the sweetest smile.

"Okay lang ako Maa. Magpahinga ka na po sa kwarto niyo. Ako nalang po ang mag-aasikaso sa sarili ko." I nod at her, convincing her that I'm okay. She looks at me one last time then she gave me her smile before walking to her room.

I called her once then she paused and looked at my direction.

"Maa! I just want to tell you that I'm here. I can listen to your sufferings. I'm your son. It wont help you if you keep on hiding it away from me." She smiled and a tear drop fell in her cheek then she nods and goes to her room. Someday, everything will be alright ma. Everything will be back in place.

When I'm sure that she's in her room, I walked myself to get a pair of clothes and took a bath. After taking a bath, I went to my room and laid myself in bed. Suddenly the memories of me, my brother, and father flashed in my memory.

A loud sigh escaped in my mouth.

I should be dead also. I'm with them when the accidents happened. It was me who brought them into their deaths. I close my eyes and reminisce what happened three months ago.

...........

Remembering on what happened to us made my heart twinged. Every-time it flashes into my head, I can't help but to blame myself. I blame myself for being careless and tactless.

I always put myself in danger. I put myself into others business that's why in the end, I made myself in trouble. 

That day with my father and brother were supposed to be great but it turns out to be our worst nightmare. Only if I can turn back time, I'll turn it to the day when I met that gang. All of this happened because of them.

But when realizing it, it's still the right thing to do. Father told me once that always choose the right path no matter what consequences lies on it. Afterall, they deserved it. They're monsters and monsters are wicked. They deserved to rot in hell. 

I will never forget what you had done to me and to my body. I will make you pay for everything you caused in my life. I will make your lives as miserable as what you had done to me.

I loathe your gang, each and every member of it. Especially to the one who molested and raped me. I despised on meeting you.

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