The couch

After dinner, we cuddled up on the couch, not talking but simply resting in each other's company the way years of living together as kids had taught us. I was caressing her back soothingly while listening to the rain as it hit the window in a rhythmic pattern. Xiaomei was humming softly as she mindlessly played with my fingers when she finally spoke. "Can I stay here tonight? I really don't want to go home," she said in the voice she reserved specifically for pleading with me. I adjusted slightly to look at her with a humored look on my face. "Did you really think I was planning to send you home this late?" I said, laughing softly, seeing the dumbfounded look on her face. "Of course, you are staying here. You will take my bed, and I will sleep here on the couch."

At those words, she sat up with a huge smile before wrapping her arms around my neck and hugging me tightly. "You always spoil me so much! You are the absolute best!" she said in a low-pitched squeal. I smiled widely, her pure joy warming my heart. "It is all part of an elaborate plan to raise your expectations, so I know my future brother-in-law will treat you well," I said in a tone that sounded as if I was kidding. I was not. She giggled sweetly but then seemed to reflect. "I would rather not get married and simply let you spoil me for the rest of my life." She said in a defiant voice, perhaps assuming that I would tell her that she would change her mind once she found the right man, as most people would. "Then I have done my work exceptionally well," I said, chuckling warmly as I hugged her tighter, muffling her giggles with my shirt. "However, whether you get married or not, I am not going anywhere".

The words flowed naturally because I had said them to myself a million times. No matter what, I would be happy for her and care for her for the rest of my life. It was also something I had already been forced to practice when she had briefly dated a nice, and unfortunately very good-looking guy named Shuai during her senior year of high school. He had treated her well, and they had seemed happy together until they decided to break up after Shuai got accepted to a university in Chengdu. Xiaomei had wanted to stay in Shanghai, since she didn't have the heart to leave her mom alone with my dad. I had done surprisingly well at being happy for her, but I was certainly much happier when they broke up, especially since Xiaomei hadn't seemed too distraught either.

I watched as she seemed to absorb my words, resting her head gently on my chest, and then her body slowly went boneless on top of me like a kitten. Her hand was clutching my shirt with the kind of possessiveness that I chose to ignore to keep myself sane. Not long after, I could hear in the way her breathing had slowed that she had fallen into deep sleep. It was times like these where my restraint cost me most, but also when I remembered why I had chosen not to act on my feelings. I was her safe space, the person that she confided in. I knew that if I were to act on my feelings, that trust might get tainted. I wouldn't risk that when she had never once shown any signs of liking me as anything other than a brother.

I carefully held her sleeping figure close as I lifted us both off the couch and walked to my bedroom, where I slowly settled her down on the bed and covered her with the duvet. Her hand was still clutching my shirt tightly, and when I tried to loosen her grip, she instead pulled me down. This was enough to make me give up any notion of sleeping on the couch, and so instead I moved her delicately to the side, lying down with my arm beneath her. I told myself that this would be okay, that I could allow myself this. However, as I lay there completely awake, listening to the sound of her soft breathing and feeling her adjust in my embrace, I couldn't help but wish I could have this every night. I knew this wasn't something I could wish for, but I also knew that it would be impossible to convince myself otherwise while she was sleeping in my arms. I looked down at her face, now completely devoid of any worry and as beautiful as ever. Her hair fell lightly over her face, making her scrunch her nose adorably, and I lifted my hand to brush the hair behind her ear. Then, before I could stop myself, I leaned down and kissed her forehead, and heard myself utter a whispered 'I love you'. I had said it before, but this time it was with all my complicated feelings behind it, and I could feel a stubborn tear threaten to fall. I quickly shut my eyes, now determined to fall asleep before I could feel the full weight of the misery that came from fully understanding the beauty of what I was denying myself.

***Download NovelToon to enjoy a better reading experience!***