The World's Worst Bank Robber

Derek had spent three weeks planning the perfect bank robbery.

Three weeks.

That might not sound impressive, but considering Derek once forgot where he parked his bicycle while still riding it, this was a personal achievement.

The target was Pacific Trust Bank, a small bank sitting peacefully near the harbor.

Derek had a disguise.

Derek had a bag.

Derek had a speech prepared.

Most importantly, Derek had confidence.

Unfortunately, confidence and intelligence are not the same thing.

Human history has demonstrated this repeatedly.

---

The morning of the robbery arrived.

Derek put on a fake mustache.

It immediately fell off.

He stuck it back on.

It fell off again.

After the fourth attempt, he gave up and shoved it into his pocket.

"Nobody will notice."

They noticed.

---

Derek stormed into the bank.

Or at least he tried to.

The automatic door didn't open fast enough.

He walked directly into the glass.

THUD.

Everyone looked at him.

A child pointed.

"Mommy, that man hit the door."

Derek pretended nothing happened.

His nose disagreed.

---

He marched to the counter.

This was it.

His moment.

His destiny.

He slammed a note onto the desk.

The teller picked it up.

Then stared.

Then looked back at Derek.

"Sir."

"Read it."

The teller cleared her throat.

"'Please give me all your monkeys.'"

Derek froze.

"What?"

"You wrote monkeys."

Derek grabbed the paper.

Sure enough, it said:

GIVE ME ALL YOUR MONKEYS.

He had accidentally grabbed his grocery list.

The real note was in his other pocket.

---

Five embarrassing minutes later, Derek finally produced the correct note.

The teller read it.

"'This is a robbery.'"

Finally.

Progress.

The teller sighed.

"Sir, are you serious?"

"Very serious."

"You're wearing a shirt that says 'I Am Definitely Robbing A Bank Today.'"

Derek looked down.

He had bought it as a joke.

In hindsight, it had been a poor choice.

---

Things got worse.

A security guard approached.

Derek panicked.

This was where action movies usually had dramatic music.

Instead, Derek sneezed.

The fake mustache flew out of his pocket and landed on the security guard's shoulder.

Nobody moved.

The guard stared at the mustache.

Derek stared at the mustache.

The mustache stared at nobody because it was a mustache.

---

Then the guard burst out laughing.

Soon the teller laughed.

Then the customers.

Even the old lady sitting near the entrance was crying with laughter.

Derek felt deeply offended.

A man works hard on a robbery, and this is the appreciation he gets.

---

Desperate to regain control, Derek jumped onto a chair.

"EVERYBODY STAY CALM!"

The chair immediately collapsed.

Derek disappeared behind the counter.

A customer clapped.

---

At this point, even Derek realized things were not going according to plan.

He climbed to his feet.

"Listen," he said. "Can we start over?"

"No," said the security guard.

"Fair."

---

Suddenly, police sirens echoed outside.

Derek's eyes widened.

Someone had called the police.

A shocking betrayal from people who apparently disliked being robbed.

The officers entered.

Derek slowly raised his hands.

Then one officer paused.

"Derek?"

Derek blinked.

"Uncle Mark?"

The officer sighed.

The entire bank sighed with him.

---

Ten minutes later, Derek sat outside in handcuffs.

His uncle stood nearby.

"Why would you rob a bank?"

Derek shrugged.

"I wanted money."

"There are jobs."

"I don't like jobs."

"Nobody likes jobs."

The wisdom of generations had been spoken.

---

The bank manager eventually came outside.

To Derek's surprise, she wasn't angry.

Mostly exhausted.

She handed him a piece of paper.

"What's this?"

"A job application."

Derek frowned.

"You want to hire me?"

"No."

"Then why?"

"Because if you try this again, I might actually lose my mind."

---

Three months later, Derek worked at a shipping warehouse near the harbor.

The pay wasn't amazing.

The hours weren't exciting.

But he had stopped trying to rob banks.

Which society generally considers a positive character development.

Sometimes he walked past Pacific Trust Bank and waved.

The employees waved back.

Usually while laughing.

Derek never became rich.

He never became a criminal mastermind.

He never even became a successful criminal.

But he did become a local legend.

After all, not everyone can fail a bank robbery because they accidentally demanded monkeys.

And somewhere deep inside, that felt like an achievement.

A very stupid achievement.

But an achievement nonetheless.

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