Long time no see….

Hi it’s me again after so many years.

You guys might have thought that I was dead or somewhat killed myself, haha no I didn’t

Finally 18, senior high school......funny how my family will attend my graduation and not my funeral lol....

This year something terrible happened guess what I started liking someone. Trust me meeting that guy was probably the best thing happened to me for a very long time. He gave me hope, gave me a reason to go on, made me feel things.

He became a true friend a person whom I can relay on he gave me warmth. I didn’t needed a sip of liquor just to open up I just autocorrect feel so comfortable around him that I would talk and talk until my throat starts getting dry.

IS IT HOW LOVE FEELS LIKE??

But he decided to share his secrets with me.

I decided to share my life with him…..

He was in friendship,while I was I’m love.

pathetic......

Gradually I got to know he loves someone else.

You guys might think that oh! then you might’ve got jealous right?. Yeah maybe..... there were days when I wished him to look at me the way he looks at her but it’s just too much to ask.

Slowly my fucked up mind starting overthinking ‘’stop you are just bothering him, let him live his life”, “your just being annoying” , “shut up nobody cares” “shut it”

Okay........

Maybe for the first time my mind was right

why am I bothering him with my crap, I have never been a good friend all I did is to use him for my own mental stability. **** you’re so selfish.....

Soon after that our friendship can to an end I stopped opening up to him, at first he got concerned and asked me why don’t I speak that much there day I just said that everything was going good and that I have nothing to talk about. After that slowly we stop hanging out and gradually being strangers.

I didn’t fall in love with him because I was lonely or lost.I fell in love because when I bonded with him for the first time, it was the only time I have ever wanted to make someone a permanent part of my world.

Trust me this one side and unrequited love is terrible, it kills you like anything. Furst it will give you a will it live and be actually happy and then it will grab you neck and drag you into your own dark grave.

Why just why im only 18 why do I have to go through all this shits? It’s killing me, every night when it gets worse I pray to god please take me because I’m ready, if you won’t please at least give me a reason to exist.

Why me?Just why me....? I couldn’t even got to actually live my youth freely. I don’t think my mental health won’t be able to handle another year......

The world around me is shattered long ago now it’s just me who needs to disappear.

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