Hi.....it’s me

Hi my name is Fumi and I’m 16.

I need to write this because I’m tired. I can’t say these things to anyone or else they might be thinking that I’m sick so I choose this...to express myself.

its been three years since this shit started idk to call this. some say it’s depression, some says anxiety whatever it is.....it is horrible I don’t feel anything......nothing.......I’m numb and somewhat cold.

I come from a quiet a good family my parents got so many expectations from me. And I have been trying my best to reach there expectations and be a good daughter,a good sister, a good student,friend but it seems way to far for me to reach. I just kept on having this overwhelming feeling that one day everything will fall apart and everyone will be gone from by my side.

And this year is possible the worst of all so many things happened my father got a serious disease our savings and everything was gone for his medical treatment but he didn’t make it.I saw my mother begging for help from our relatives but none of them did anything . I know that they were somewhat felt happy by seeing us like this. But you know what the saddest part is for me that I couldn’t do anything but see everything falling apart I felt so useless I fucking hated myself for being like this being unable to do anything.

I can’t do anything I’m not good in studies, i am so less confident that I get anxiety attacks whenever I try to speak, I am talentedless nether smart.

Maybe this is the reason why everyone seems to have this weird look on their face when they see me.

I know I’m not good enough I’m a loser. Ik why I get bullied and why I get compared with my sister or anyone else who is better then me,I get it.

but that one line that still hurts me 'you don’t deserve to live trash'. It broke my heart

Am I that bad,?do I really don’t deserve it live,? What should I do? Should I die? What will happen if I’m gone, what will be there reaction sad or happy........or........nothing because I don’t exist for them? Will my mother cry maybe she will idk maybe.

all these thoughts are bubbling inside me like anything I feel like I’m gonna burst out. But thankfully I don’t let it show on my face, because even if I call for help they would probably think I’m seeking attention. At this moment my head hurts soo BAD that I started to feel numb. I can’t think properly I cried so much that the tears are dried up and all I can hear is my heartbeat going slow and the last breath that I give out.

I’m scared I’m lonely....all I wanted to have a peaceful life.....I wanted to live for myself even if the whole world abandons me. But maybe it’s not possible now. Maybe in my next life......maybe

I was a burden

I was never meant to born

sorry mom and dad,sorry for failing you.

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