Episode 1

WARNING THE ENTIRE BOOK IS FOR MATURE AUDIENCES ONLY. IF YOU ARE A 9-YEAR-OLD OR SOMETHING, I honestly have no clue what age group gets this app, but, DO NOT READ. THIS ALSO MAYBE A TRIGGER FOR SOME.

The icy blade hovered over my shoulder, looking at me as if disapproving of my actions. Focused on the metal beauty, I pressed the edge onto my arm, closing my eyes in pleasure as the garnet liquid seeped through the crack. It's done I thought to myself. Getting up, I hid away the razor in its rightful place inside the bathroom, Turning to the mirror, I noticed my body. What was once a beautiful body with pearly, white skin is now covered with rashes and cuts I made myself. No one notices. No one notices my fake smiles. No one notices my sleeves getting longer. No one notices how during athletics, I wear sweatpants instead of shorts and hoodies instead of the shirt. No one notices the misery. No one notices my pain. No one notices me. Forgotten in the midst of others. Brought down from the top of the high school food chain to the bottom. Brought down by the work. Brought down by the pressure. Brought down by bitchy attitudes. Brought down by the overbearing parents who expect perfection and nothing less of it. Sighing, I turn off the light and nuzzle into my comforter as the cold room gets enveloped in darkness.

I awoke with a start and sweat dripping off my forehead. Nightmares are getting increasingly common. Turning on my phone, I realize it's only 4 AM. That means I've only slept for 2 hours. I didn't even reach n3 sleep, so I haven't recovered or restored myself fully. But, I can't go back to sleep either because I have to leave for volleyball practice at 6:30. So if I do manage to fall asleep, I'll be late. One of the disadvantages of PTSD is the hyperarousal that causes insomnia. Realizing this as a helpless cause, I get coffee, so at least my adenosine receptors will be blocked for the time being. I wonder if there's something that can bond to adenosine so the levels go down. Maybe neurologists have researched that and it came up as harmful. Noting to research that later, I decided to take a hot shower and plan my day from there.

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AFTER SCHOOL:

Saying bye to my friends, I spot the motorcycle. In a mood to drive today, I decided to let my body choose for me where it wants to go. Swerving through traffic and lights, I take multiple turns until I find myself utterly isolated with a familiar sight ahead of me. Two years ago, in 9th grade, my boyfriend, well ex-boyfriend now, and I found a picturesque cliff. On top of a mountain, forests of trees surround the place, and there's a large drop where we used to dangle our feet from and talk for hours over nothing and everything. Looking farther out, there's the Colorado River which lazily meanders through the many valleys and hills. The view is beautiful and the weather today is just right from the temperature to the wind.

Enjoying the view, my brain wanders off to a dark and dangerous place. My place of doubt. The part that wonders if I'm good enough. The part that wonders why I exist. Currently, I found it thinking, Is the world better off without me? Does anyone really love me, truly, for who I am? My ex, the one person who cared, the one person who knew my true colors, my insecurities, left me and decided I'm not good enough. If even he doesn't love me will anyone ever? I'm just a spoiled princess after all as everyone gossips. My feet dangle down further of their own accord and I wonder if it will be better if I die. Closing my eyes, tears drip out as I lower myself and let go of the ledge that was holding me.

But I don't fall.

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