I’m so fucked up

I fucked up so bad today

I don’t even entirely know what was wrong

I’m just so fucking done

So done ruining everything

So done being like this

I hate myself

Everyone does

These fucking tears mean nothing

No one cares about them

No one wants to wipe them

I tell people I’m not okay

Then I realise how stupid that is and take it back

But guess what

They saw it

Me saying I wasn’t okay

But once I decide to say it’s ‘nothing’

They just fucking go with it

Say good night and leave

You’re telling me they fucking care?

What a fucking joke

And look at me

As if I’m better

I’m here ranting

While I’m not the one whose actually not okay

I don’t want to be annoying

I don’t want to be an attention seeker

But why is it that I always act like this

I’m such a fucking bitch

How do I even change?

I’m too fucking afraid to die

But I don’t want to live

I don’t like myself

I really really don’t want to be like this

I felt like ripping my heart out

So I tried to

Bruises formed

But it didn’t help

Why didn’t it help?

How can I be like this

My bestie

Hell

In my eyes I’ve lost my right to call her my bestie

She’s probably hurting so much more

People like her so much more

Damn am I really fucking jealous of her right now?

How fucking shitty

I’m going to have to see her in school

After all I just fucking felt

I don’t have the right to be her friend anymore

I really really don’t

Have any right to ruin her life

By existing in it

How do I even fucking ignore her?

When I love her so much

I thought about telling her I hate her

But why would I even do that?

She doesn’t need more shit to think about

I said that people can survive without friends

So that’s it?

Do I just distance myself from everyone?

My bestie- goddamn it

It hurts when I call her that

Knowing my heart isn’t allowing me to

She has way more friends around

She’ll be fine

All my other ‘friends’ will be fine

I mean half of them only stick with me for her

But will I be able to survive?

No actually I don’t want to

But I want to get rid of this feeling

Any fear of death

Any hope for me

What do I even do?

With my fucking heart that’s so sensitive

It breaks at a simple ‘shut up’

And the fucking waterworks start again

Why am I even writing this

I know I could end it

Wait till everyone’s asleep

And then do it alone

I wouldn’t be found in enough time to be saved

But I’m too fucking scared

Why can’t I just do everyone a favour and do it?

Lmao I tried to think

That if I just focused on studies

Then I could easily live by

But in all honesty

I know that doesn’t mean shit

Even if I do

What after that?

Fucking even if I solve the mysteries of the universe

I would still cry myself to sleep

The point is gone

What do I even fucking do

Nothing has helped

Self harm didn’t even do shit

Well maybe I’ll rant out everything in this

Leave it here

And then die

Who am I kidding

I’m too much of a pussy to do that

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